The Reminider

Sometimes I feel as if I've lived two different lives. That sounds suspicious and duplicitous. But there are some instances when an experience feels so seperate from everything else that has ran its course through my life. Some of them are periods, such as college or high school, or a time of employment, that deffinitly have their own pulse.  But then there's Korea.

Korea seems almost completely seperate.  Not really distant, like a lifetime ago, but that the things from "over there" don't really coincide with anything "over here."  Its almost as though I was a different person,with different needs and wants and priorities and responsibilities and people. Everything was poles apart from what I had known.  
Often I want to pick up and do the same - leave everything and everyone behind -
to see what other life I could live for awhile. 

Then I get the courage to do something I never would have done without Korea.  Which is cheesy and emotional but true. So that life does seep into this one, in odd and valuable ways.  I'm remembering a time I felt so empty and so full at the same time. I remember it a lot. 

photo 1 - lylong from trekearth photo 2 - Irina Druchina photo 3 - pinterest, 

It's Not Just You

This photo broke my heart. So did last week.  Thursday to be exact. Suddenly I remembered what it was like to be in school and realize everyone is starting at you.  I have that feeling even now, but when you're about 6 years old and looking for an adult to stand up because you don't know what to do; because you're six.  But you know how you feel.  

It bothered me all night.  Bothers me still honestly.  Especially since I felt like I could have done such a better job protecting him.  E needed words and didn't have them. And even when I tried to provide them what he really needed was someone to tell him to breathe, it was going to be alright.

Because words don't just fail the young or the autistic....and I hate it when that happens.  

E is out sick and all of kindergarden is wondering where I am this week. Yeah. 

The 11th Commandment

Well, that immediately got my hackles up. You should have know that, "I've been waiting for you," was getting off to a very bad start.  Especially since she told you not to.

My blood has a pretty high boiling point, but boil it does. Just because I'm mellow and nice and fun and smell good doesn't mean I'm a hunk of playdough.  

The B at work (we can say that's a B for boss or B for bitch, doesn't matter) is up in arms over my little Enzo, pulling out weapons of mass destruction.  My ears tingled - that's always where I feel it first - at accusations to avoid responsibility.  She failed to inform other people of her decisions and ruffled some feathers, so I am expected to be the road kill.  Not going to happen.  Not in a conversation and not in an email.  

Now the two of us are still, waiting for the other to make a move.  It will probably be me, and it will be accompanied by a "HIYAH!"

I would Never.

The thought has crossed my mind but I'm not sure if I could handle it.  The long, sharp needle part has me a bit trepidatious.  But they fascinate and intrigue me, and these maybe I could handle...

And I'm not necessarily a fan of the sleeve, but this girl just exudes cool. 

photo from charmschooldropout.com and rodeo.net and tattoologist.com.

Forget About the Birds

A couple of posts ago I informally informed you of conversations I had with my brothers, just leaving it as that - a conversation.  Now that I've had a good week to ponder the subject matter, I'm willing to share some of it. 
Some of it because I'm not really sure of what all of it is.  That's how jumbled it has seemed.  Over sushi with Josh I had things said by someone else that I have thought, but never expressed before...never been able to express.  In about an hour and a half hundreds, thousands of Sundays and private school classes were sliced into.  Not viciously, and not even destructively for the most part.  I don't feel as though anything was ruined; I feel as though some things were unfolded, like one of those paper fortune tellers that has you picking each number just to see what's behind it. I've never claimed to know anything for sure - other than the existence of God.  And that has not wavered.  I believe in God more than I ever have... but I'm realizing there is so much I can't give an answer to. I poked at my sushi with my chopsticks, rolled my roll a couple of times and tried to say what was going through my head. But we all know how that goes...
So much of the time I've told myself it doesn't matter, but it's time to brew over.

With Jeremy, I simply appreciate the ability to realize there's a problem.  Sometimes we get past it and sometimes we don't; I don't have an equation. As with most things.  And sometimes they're big issues and sometimes petty, and sometimes the petty issues are made into big issues - like eating a butt-load of granola bars - and sometimes it doesn't even matter because words are said that cancel everything else out.

All this typing has made me thirsty.

Library

I'm reading this book with gusto.  It's absolutely delightful.

Spring Into Action

I was wishing for the sun. 
I only had one day of it.

And during a break when I thought I was going to be able to run as long as I wanted to, instead had me trading the treadmill for the bike and icing my foot down every night.  Running, even when I'm on a treadmill, somehow gets me from point A to point B.  It decompresses me. 

But I've been filling in some of the gap with other things; in all the inconvenience I've tidied some crap up. Doctor appointments, brother appointments, friend appointments, parent appointments...conversations I didn't realize how much I needed.

And over things like sushi, and homemade pizza, and Thai food, and a trip to the farmer's market. I think one of the things I miss the most about living in a Illsan is the walk to the neighborhood grocery store or fruit and veggie stand. Which is why I need reevaluate my cordinances, right?