Another Day, Another Dollar

My feet don't freeze as soon as I whip them out from underneath the covers anymore.  Last night I even did away with the covers.  The season has made a turn yet again, and I'm not sure how I feel about this one.  Summer is one of my most trialing; I always want to leave.

This time to Big Sky Country.  Something a little nearer to home; a little nearer to nature, but so far from my life here. I don't think my person can thrive without a decent getaway.  I'm awakened in a new place.  

Pops and I planned on the open road and maps and mountains and rivers; the speakers playing our soundtrack to handfuls of trail mix, skies full of stars, and people to get to know.  I'm struggling with the  idea of having to stick around all summer and not have the luxery of shrugging all "this" off.  You know, responsibility.  That's such a heavy word and I feel so much of it coming on, so much that I may have to just leave...

E walked into the classroom this morning, took my hand and exclaimed, "Today is a new day."  I couldn't agree more buddy, and maybe that's what I need to tell myself on a regular basis.  It's exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

GO AWAY

I have a really hard time with people not liking me.  Unless of course I don't like them.  But if I do, I lye awake a night and think about it.  Because if someone doesn't like me I need to fix it. And since I don't always have the words, I use my actions.  Call me an ass kisser or whatever, and I won't deny it.  But then the words come easier.


But I don't think I can fix this one, and honestly I don't know if I'm interested....sounds aweful I know, but all my patience has been exhausted. Exhausted to the point of, well, she's become a person I don't like. And I've met very, very few people who I don't like.  However, I'm not someone who needs to be mean to people I don't like, just one who wants to scream,


GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!


Luckily, it's the weekend so I can go away.  

The World Without

I'm falling behind with this whole blog thing. I've been so caught up in this little life of mine that I forget to tell people about it sometimes. But hey! maybe this little life of mine isn't so little afterall. 
Let me tell you about it.  Upon entering the neighborhood cafe (yes, I'm calling Bread Co. "neighborhood" for theatrics), I spot someone who I haven't seen in a couple of years.  A kid someone, nonetheless, who isn't so much a kid anymore as he is turning into a young man. When I dealt with him at work, he was a sore that I knew could be soothed, but never really knew if that would be accomplished since I left for the other side of the world.  The shock is that he remembered me. Walked right up and said hi. Then proceeded to ask how I was and what as I was doing as if he cared. 
At school I got a journal entry from a kindergarden - an "ode to Ms. Cassi" I would call it.  The gesture was enough to get me thinking that it is possible for my mundane or troubling days to actually mean something to someone, or ones. 

Humidifier in the Room

I'm thinking of a place of my own and on the verge of looking for one too.  Things are tight, but that includes money so we'll have to see how far I can get.  

When I get home I either want to vent and then retreat, or just retreat.  Either way I always want to retreat and when I don't my whole being seems to swell with worry.  

I can decompress in the company of others, but sometimes that anxiety finds places to store and hide so it doesn't have to come out in front of people.  

And then I resort to solitude anyway because I can breathe things out in steady or exasperated puffs.  It just finds it's own way to escape.

photos from littleteacups and tumblr

All Rung Out

My head says, “Who 

cares?” but then my 

heart whispers, “You 

do stupid.”

I'm emotionally exhausted. 

The Reminider

Sometimes I feel as if I've lived two different lives. That sounds suspicious and duplicitous. But there are some instances when an experience feels so seperate from everything else that has ran its course through my life. Some of them are periods, such as college or high school, or a time of employment, that deffinitly have their own pulse.  But then there's Korea.

Korea seems almost completely seperate.  Not really distant, like a lifetime ago, but that the things from "over there" don't really coincide with anything "over here."  Its almost as though I was a different person,with different needs and wants and priorities and responsibilities and people. Everything was poles apart from what I had known.  
Often I want to pick up and do the same - leave everything and everyone behind -
to see what other life I could live for awhile. 

Then I get the courage to do something I never would have done without Korea.  Which is cheesy and emotional but true. So that life does seep into this one, in odd and valuable ways.  I'm remembering a time I felt so empty and so full at the same time. I remember it a lot. 

photo 1 - lylong from trekearth photo 2 - Irina Druchina photo 3 - pinterest, 

It's Not Just You

This photo broke my heart. So did last week.  Thursday to be exact. Suddenly I remembered what it was like to be in school and realize everyone is starting at you.  I have that feeling even now, but when you're about 6 years old and looking for an adult to stand up because you don't know what to do; because you're six.  But you know how you feel.  

It bothered me all night.  Bothers me still honestly.  Especially since I felt like I could have done such a better job protecting him.  E needed words and didn't have them. And even when I tried to provide them what he really needed was someone to tell him to breathe, it was going to be alright.

Because words don't just fail the young or the autistic....and I hate it when that happens.  

E is out sick and all of kindergarden is wondering where I am this week. Yeah.