Coin Toss

Ever feel like you switch back and forth between dropping the ball and your A-game so frequently that forget what exactly your trying to accomplish?  I feel like I have exhausted my knowledge for the most part, and nothing has really improved.  And everyone is starting to question.  That prods at me a tad; I like to be considered qualified and competent. Fortunately, I think some are realizing the expectations are just unrealistic for the setting.  
Eh, week 5 of school has not any gotten easier. In fact, it might have gotten harder. I've been trying to write this blog for a week and haven't gotten further than a couple of sentences at a time.  I'm looking for fall.  Fall never fails to breathe for me.

Eventually Saturday

SuPpLy LiSt

"Where did the time go?"  You're asking me E?  Good thing E is doing splendidly, really, because I feel he's been so neglected the past couple of weeks that I don't know how I'm going to make that time up. 
He's been so compliant though, just going with the flow for the most part.  I look at where he was last year until now and can't help but feel...proud.  
It's my new friend that has me drifting off to sleep well before my bedtime.  A whole day of him is a workout.  No more taking it easy while I encourage independence. Even my bathroom breaks are few and far between as the child can't be left alone for even a few seconds.  Give me a good month with him - hopefully it'll be a good one in the end.  
You know what really scares me?  More than any of this current day-to-dayness...being a student.  I'm back at it.  And it's so long term for my usual scope of commitment. I did feel a smidge of excitement while in Target heading to the school supplies section with all the other kids.  Since graduating college, I've felt like I'm missing out on something at this time of year.  So I picked out my folders and highlighters and took out my loan (gasp!) and embarked on another adventure.  

Burning House

Watch Your Mouth

"I notice everything.  I just don't say anything."


Is this endearing?  Or just plane annoying?  Cowardly?   I'm wrestling with my approach to this upcoming year because, Lord have mercy, its here. Underway just like that.  There are so many things to consider with this scenario that I can feel my anxiety rise when I walk in the door in the morning. And I'm going to have to say something.  More somethings than I said last year I suspect...it feels like free falling when I'm forced to piss people off.

As with all else I have to take a chance with.  Grad school is lurking.
And then I stumbled across this: 

Who knew I had such a filthy mouth? Well, someone does and at times I steal other's words because mine don't suffice. So don't judge my mouth, though I may think some of things.  Remember, its what I don't say.

Chew On This

My wisdom teeth are throbbing.  Rather inappropriate name for something that tells you nothing other than Take me out! I tend to be a master procrastinator when I don't have deadlines so even these wise ones have needed to be removed for quite some time I have failed to do so.  I woke up from a dream the other night. I was finally obliging to the surgery, but wouldn't go completely under and the doc decided to go ahead with anyway.
Only further encouraging my procrastination.  Maybe when it's nearly impossible to chew...Give me a deadline would you? I jump into action as soon as there's a date posted somewhere. Grad school, work papers, library returns.
It's the organizing of something all by myself where I start to fall behind. But, lo and behold, other things are falling...together. I'll update as soon as I have a minute or ten.    

But You're Family

I have the need to feel part of something. I haven't had that in quite some time. Not at work, not at church, not a school, not as a part of a team, not even with family so much...
It's been nagging the past month, almost overwhelming.

The desire makes itself known when I see others doing something together-going forward after something with each other, something exciting they form a connection because of.

I took a week to travel, something I do every summer just about, and I was part of something.  This summer and last summer, how awesome is a sister-brother or father-daughter duo out exploring? But the gap just didn't fill up.  Surely because it was family, and surely because I knew what I had to go back to.  It was momentar, fleeting.  I enjoy all of it, but I want, need something sustaining.  The summer is winding down and that stirs up lots of emotions that can go as quick as they come.