Best Of

2016

Books:

1. The Kitchen Boy: A Novel of the Last Tsar 

2. The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary 

3. An Anthropologist on Mars: Seven Paradoxical Tales 

4. Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee 

5. Sarah's Key 

6. The Mole People: Life in the Tunnels Beneath New York City 

7. The Snow Child 

8. A Short History of Nearly Everything

9. Fifth Avenue, 5AM: Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's 

10. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH

Movies:

1. La La Land

2. Room

3. The Light Between Oceans

4. Spotlight

5. The Intern
6. Finding Dory
7. Brooklyn
8. The Revenant

9. Bridge of Spies

10. Jane Got a Gun

Songs:

1. Free by Broods

2. Keeping Your Head Up by Birdy

3. All Together by The Temper Trap

4. Didn't Know You At All by Karmin
5. Hurrican by Javier Dunn

6. Sister by Haux

7. Overcome by Laura Mvula

8. Kerosene Dreams by The X Ambassadors 

9. Still Falling for You by Ellie Goulding

10. Wish That You Were Here by Florence and The Machine

A tough list. This year produced some quality pieces of art, and I had a hard time choosing the best. Other years have been a struggle though so I am more than happy with having to really think about it. I love literature, movies, and music....I feel good just writing this. 

Put All Five Fingers On

To say that I haven't done much this break is an understatement. I have realized (again) just how unsocial I really am. Other than a couple meetings with the family and a dinner with a friend, I've really interacted with few other people in 2 weeks.
I've just succomb to long workouts, books, TV/movies, pictures, organizing, and severe introverting.
Though I've been bored here and there, there has been little motivation to socialize or go do things with other people. And I'm wondering why or if something more is going on or is wrong. I was really looking forward to a friend coming in town, one that I don't get to see that often which is why I was most likely looking forward to it, but that didn't happen. So I've been relatively happy in my cozy little apartment, doing cozy little things and feeling right at home....until I realized that I have 4 days of this party left. I never really want to go back to work after a break of any kind, but I really DON'T want to go back this time. There isn't anyone I'm looking forward to seeing, nothing I'm looking forward to doing. If I said I was happy in this new job, I'd be lying.  It's not that I'm unhappy; I'm simply unsure of my place, if its my fit. I'm not even sure if its feeling whether I'm good at it or not, its feeling if I am meant to take it. So much more goes on and so much more needs to be taken into consideration and unless you're there in it, I don't think I can relay it properly.
Often, as I've spent the past 10 years  teaching and working with kids, I wonder if I could do something else. And do it well. I wonder if I would be motivated more, again, to do well and feel driven and productive. 

Until the Rubber Leaves the Road

I wish I could just make things change by the simple desire to have them do so. Some things are worth the process or the journey, and other things seem like you're just adding to a pile of waste. Meaning, I don't see how I am learning or gaining through this experience really. I want it to be over, and I don't know if it can reach that point unless I just drop it or give in.  I've cried more in the past 2 months than I have in years combined, and I've felt more alone than I have since I moved to the other side of the world all by myself. My paralization is quite honestly a result of being at a loss as to what to do. I have no answer that I can accomplish by myself, and my time and energy is running on empty. Even my grace, I discovered, has been spent. And explaining myself every which way.

But you can't fix something that essentially has nothing to do with you, even if it involves you so frequently. As you hear all the time and as a student said to me this week, "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." It just feels like being stuck in this limbo where there's really no where to go because no matter what, you're going to pegged for what happens. Constant friction where marks are always left. To say it will mend itself isn't true either but right now neither one of us are setting out to do it. Maybe time and space are good things, but it also doesn't feel like anything is being resolved or even healed. Wherever this road is leading ......or where it has already led....has me feeling very sad. Weeks and weeks of sadness, conflicted with knowing that I can't just accept what was. So here we are (moreso it seems like here I am)with the holidays and me not seeing my family hardly at all. Again, I'm reaping consequences of his actions. So with the sadness inevitably comes anger, too. And both of these feelings really suck.

Right Behind You

I went out last night with a few members of my old crew, and then today I stopped by the school today to say "Hey!" to those I missed. I didn't tell them I was going to do that last part, but both encounters were satisfying. It was a tad sad, too. I miss them and their companionship. I feel like I'm by myself a lot, and I am...I'm in the classroom alone and a lot of time passes without me talking to co-workers. That will come as time goes by, before and after school - I think - I hope. Right now I am very grateful for what I had and those ties, but I'm also still just trying to find my stride. 

Record HIGH, Record LOW

Life isn’t long enough to do all you could accomplish. And what a privilege even to be alive. In spite of all the pollutions and horrors, how beautiful this world is. Supposing you only saw the stars once every year. Think what you would think. The wonder of it!

Its officially November, and 80+ degrees outside. That gets to me. And yesterday got to me, to the point of me having to fight back tears. I was thinking, "its only Monday and we're on a downhill run....." Then today was fine. Good even. A complete turn around and feeling like I could actually do this. Yesterday, wasn't feeling like I could do it. Middle school is a beast that I may just have to accept that I can't tame. They're raging egos and hormones moving around on two little stilts.
I've gone to the gym a lot the past week and worked-out some of my frustration with a whole lot of aggression and sweat. The scale hasn't proven much labor, but someone made sure to tell me that I looked good, so that should be enough. For now. I'm always on myself for things - things I could do better or differently. Its everyday and that is what exhausts me most often the time. I need to concentrate on little things, little things that c make my day worthwhile.

Knees To the Floor

I want Canada. And I want Beasley. I want the cool temps and the blue skies with puffs of white and the mountains and fresh air and fresh water. I want the teachers who joke and the recess that lets me play basketball and the teachers' lounge that lets me linger...I want to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I kinda want to go home. 

My life has done a 180 in the past month. Maybe a 360 or even a 540. And I feel as though I'm still spinning around on an axis so fast I can't determine what I'm seeing or where I'm supposed to land. If I have landed, I'm rather disoriented and just not feeling so right. Whatever right is right now. 

I've left my job, my residence, some friends, and even some family. I haven't gone very far away but I feel rather alone wherever I am.  There's so much emotion traveling through and with me as well - frustration, hurt, resentment, fear, curiosity, defeat, exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, and things I haven't even identified yet. These are mostly negative feelings, and I loathe negativity.  The space between me and people right now is like a canyon or like a brand new sneaker I’m trying to break in. Not that I can’t say none of it is it on me - I am just a human being - but I’m more disappointed that I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t change people I don’t think; that’s really, extremely difficult to accept. Not just change but even help. I haven’t even been to my parents’ house in weeks, and haven’t seen or spoken to my brothers in months. That hurts.

And the classroom is a whole different planet now.  I’m just floating around out there, bouncing off kids like a pinball. Something I thought I was really good at doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.  I'm in a place that I'm going to need to be lifted out of.......