Hand Covers Bruise

I am just tired. That seemingly simple word holds so much. So much weight, so much suggestion, and so much mystery.  Tired of what? I just tromped around 4 different countries for 2 weeks on my own.  But here I am, wanting to get away again. Maybe that's not quite what I'm feeling; there's anxiety and frustration as well. I know those feelings too well to not be able to recognize them. Its what to do about them that I am suddenly struggling with. The gym hasn't been as reliable as usual; I haven't been around many people nor are there many people I've wanted to be around out of fear that I'd have to share what was really going on. I've tried some exploring, trying new experiences but there haven't really been many opportunities for that. My lack of focus and energy have been discouraging and debilitating.  For one of the first times I can remember in a long time, if at any point of time at all, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to curl back up and drift into unconsciousness and had to FORCE myself to get moving. It was a foreign incident that kinda alarmed me.....
I know I'll be ok; at least I believe that for the most part. 

So Much Sky

2 weeks, 4 countries, 8 planes (1 missed flight), 3 trains 2 boats, a dozen buses, uncountable steps (only 1 blister!), lots of coffee, a fair amount of beer, some great food and some great music, tons of fresh air, one spectacular view after another, a good deal of courage and grace, little sleep, few showers, no phone calls, no TV, no news, no laundry, sometimes the wrong direction and sometimes no direction.....got caught in a torrential downpour, got caught in a game of musical chairs with some Germans and Australians, got caught in a drunken Scotsman's birthday party, got caught in a number of ridiculous and fascinating conversations, caught a glimpse of Mel Gibson filming his latest flick, caught a free ride to the mountains, and caught a cold.

I spent a considerable amount of time being alone, though engulfed in crowds of people, yet not being lonely....sure there were a few times I wished to comment on what was happening and share it with another person, but I also had this somewhat weird (and surely selfish) feeling that this experience was "mine".  That's only so-so true, in a singular, narrow-minded regard, but I need to just hold on to things like that and internalize them sometimes. My trip certainly wasn't perfect and I know I didn't necessarily make the most of every opportunity, but all things considered (and there were numerous things to consider), I made out pretty well. There were parts of that trip were absolutely astonishing, and I can honestly say, nothing about it was a disappointment.  The fact that I put that all together on my own, and then went out and conquered it on my own. I've garnered a lot of courage and have learned to trust myself a great deal by venturing out on these excursions solo. And this time I had no one waiting on the other side.....I think that might be a first. It's not that I don't like traveling with people; I am just okay with myself. And that, I've learned, is a very valuable thing. So is the opportunity to just be  in nature.

I need solitude. I need space. I need air. I need the empty fields round me; and my legs pounding along roads; and sleep; and animal existence. - Virginia Woolf

With Not a Lot of Help From My Friends

I'm struggling a bit with this summer school idea. Its longer - no 4 1/2 weeks here. We go the full day,  full weeks (except this week) for nearly 7 weeks. I want to be thankful that I have time to take a trip, but I also feel like I'm rushing things and have very little time to recoup from the actual school year.
I feel a bit behind as it is. But I've kinda felt that way all year; ever since I changed jobs. There hasn't really been a moment where I felt like I hit my stride I don't think.  It's all still a machine I'm learning to pilot.

I'm excited for this trip; a little nervous to leave everything up to myself and a little worried I'm going to miss out on getting to do something....There's SO much to do, and figuring how to get there, the time and the money and what's worth all that is a bit of a crapshoot.  I'm trying to pace myself, but I also decided on 4 different countries when I should have maybe just picked 2.  I'm going to try not to be bummed about not getting to do certain things though and just thoroughly enjoy what I do decide on.  God willing.  But this is all me; no one else to consult or consider. That is liberating and intimidating....
Getting to take on something like this at all is a blessing.

Then There's Tuesday

Tuesday has become volleyball night. After school we gather together in fellowship and drunken confessions and shenanigans to meet our defeat in a belly-rumbling display of antics. Well, we've won a few and somehow, the competitor in me has let that go and decided its not all about winning.

Initially, we just got together for the match and maybe hit the bar for a few drinks afterwards. Then we decided to pre-game it with a few drinks beforehand, and if we were victors or failures, we still capped off the night with some rantings and laughs over a few drinks. Once the indoor games got moved to the outdoors (sand is so fun!), we have been pre-gaming it almost as soon as school's out because sand means a park which means a pavilion which means a grill and there are so many more possibilities now that the weather is permitting it. Our Tuesdays have become a gathering for anyone and everyone....those who play and those who just watch, who cheer, those who eat and drink and chat and maybe never even witness the bump or set of a volleyball but enjoying being away, outside, and with others. A few of these nights have ended in the wee hours of the morning, as we've been unable or unwilling to pull ourselves away.  I've gotten to know a number of things about a number of different staff members. Things I'm surprised were shared with me, and I mean that in a good way.  There have been insightful and deep discussions in the midst of these stunts and escapades....both serious and hysterical. 
At first, I was pretty reluctant to attend or participate in these gatherings simply because I don't really know these people that well. For some that may be motivation to attend but I'm not one to just jump into these things without a safety net or parachute; I have to ease into these kind of things. Volleyball has been an outlet for me, and has also enabled me to partake in something a little different. 
Now that we're on hiatus I'm almost a little down about it. For a bit I thought it would be nice to have my Tuesday nights back again, but at this moment I find myself kinda missing it.  What can Tuesday hold now?

Finding Perfect Places

I've been planning and forgetting and trying to plan some more but then just doing, and I have a feeling that's how a lot of this trip is going to go.  The past 3 weeks had been packed full of encounters and shenanigans that have left me feeling both energized and exhausted....
As much as I love connecting and exploring and experiencing, sometimes the on- the-go lifestyle and consistent presence of others gets me feeling overwhelmed and even lost. Between the old crew and the new crew I've been kept plenty busy, which can also good for me but I know myself well enough to tell when I need to stop and breathe. When I need time to myself. It becomes a necessity, and luckily I found a couple nights this past week to introvert and reflect. I like to call it collecting myself after being socially exhausted. Whether its sand volleyball and picnics and happy hour and coffee talks and more picnics and lunches and birthdays and rock painting....yes, rock painting...I've actually enjoyed the encroaching summer months, that time when the days are longer and the weather starts to swelter (that part will be really old in about a week though). It seems almost like possibility. Almost.
And then Scandanavia is on the horizon.

Born To Be Wild.....until about 11p.m.

Prom happened. And then other things happened; a really long night that turned into morning. I haven't been out that late since....ever?  No, there was my last Friday in Korea, and last Friday I was out till 2am. But 4?  I am too old for that.  Fun times for sure,  but a whole day feeling like you've been sacked like a quarterback in the Super Bowl and needing most of the weekend to recover = not so fun. It started as just socializing with my co-workers (I'm still in the newbie phase) and needing something I couldn't really excuse myself out of. I mean, volleyball is going well(now sand!) and Thursday I made a splash (even got a trophy) for writing a kid up....who wasn't even at school....
Yup, that's me, breaking the mold. 

If You Need to Break Down

"Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once."      - Mark Twain

I'm exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally. The physical aspect may have been contributed to by a bit of illness which has seemed to subside, but the weight of the last month or so has been very noticeable. It hasn't stopped me; I've ran and climbed and lifted and explored, enjoying a wonderful and needed spring break. But even that week of "me-time" didn't seem to quite shake this feeling of suffocation. I can't quite pinpoint it, as is often the case with my restlessness and/or agitation. It's not depression or anxiety ( I can put myself in a good mood relatively easily),but it does become something I have to focus on ridding myself of. I think that's the tricky part; its not just putting myself in a better mood. I feel like a million things are spinning around at once, and I can't quite sort them out or put them into their proper place. I have accepted that not every kids is going to like me; some will love and some will hate. But when I mess up or don't get it right in front of peers, that really rocks me. There's making a mistake because I just didn't know, and then there's making a mistake because I wasn't thinking right. 

I would generalize that most have been patient and understanding. I'm probably harder on myself more than anyone else, but there's frustration in knowing that I could do better....