Beauty

The Homecoming Lament

It has been twice now that I have left Africa. And it has been twice now that I missed it before I even left. Its a feeling unlike others, where I can't really find anything else to replace that emptiness. Its similar to the feeling that only other places have provided, in the sense that certain places and certain people contribute certain things to your life. I long for Korea, I long for Ireland, for Italy, for home...because they have supplied a rare or unique experience not found elsewhere. But the thing is, I may have felt more at home in Africa than I ever have here. And now I don't know what to do with myself. It appears that I have easily slipped back into my typical routine, my life here, but I feel so out of place.
I'm annoyed. I'm irritated at peoples' complaining and whinning, sense of entitlement, and waste of food. I'm distracted and unnerved, and without...well, I'm not even sure to tell you the truth. It hurts to leave that place. And I thought that going back would maybe do away with the last bit of those feelings; resolve some of the discontent. But the hurt just came back, stronger than it had been over the past year or so. It doesn't go away.

Hey, Get Off My Cloud

This is going to be a bit of me taking a ride on my high horse. Or tooting my own horn, so to speak. I'm going to brag about a few things so if you don't want to stick around I get it. But I'm 30 years old and I feel I have some right to do so.  Because I'm 30 years old and I don't have a husband, I don't have any kids, I don't have my own home, and I don't really have a career so to speak, and THAT is what a lot of people are probably most inclined to focus on and be concerned with.
What they may fail to overlook is what I do have and what I have done...Yes, I'm 30 years old, and in those 30 years I have earned my Master's degree, been to a dozen different countries, lived in one (by myself might I add), drank, ate, danced and celebrated with the locals, seen three oceans, swam in one, jumped off a cliff and out of a plane, pet a tiger and lion, been on a horse and an elephant, drove God's Country, seen the Grand Canyon and the Big Apple, rafted, boated, floated, canoed, paddleboarded, fired a gun, ran for hours, swam for hours, swam with dolphins, hiked mountains, climbed trees and fences and rocks and buildings. I've won, I've lost, I've loved, I've hated, I've seen life, I've seen death, riches and poverty. I've lived and I am living.

"Please hear me, dear girl:
the world has enough women

who know how to do 
their hair. It needs women 
who know how to do hard
and holy things."- Ann Voscamp

But I Don't Want to Wait

I'm... almost... there. The end has been on the horizon, but its actually starting to clear up now. 

"Now all you can do is wait. It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. Like the ebb and flow of tides. No one can do anything to change them. When it is time to wait, you must wait."

-Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

Digits

A notable amount of time has passed since my last entry that one would be led to believe that something of significance has happened; something of a worthy cause to divert my attention from my dedication to writing. The truth is I have been engaged in massive quantity of writing, just not the writing I prefer. Blogs and journals and poems and short stories have taken a back seat to essays, research papers, and lesson plans - all of which hold little of my interest to be quite honest. They have taken their toil on my state of being, overwhelming and stressing me to the point of feeling unproductive or unaccomplished. So many other responsibilities fall to the wayside, outmatched by school assignments and work. I haven't been on a trail ride with my nice bike in a couple months now; I haven't applied for new jobs in weeks; I have unfinished poems and short stories;I have stacks of books to read....even cleaning or dishes or laundry go unattended until there's an intolerable smell. 

I guess it would be pretentious of me not to acknowledge a milestone or two. Like my first pedicure. Oh, and leaving my 20's...that's apparently suppossed to be a big deal. Or feel like a big deal. Its should feel like something, and I'm struggling with that a bit. It felt just like a birthday. Don't get me wrong, people have been beyond attentive and generous. I have actually been blessed beyond expectations, though I'm unsure what my expectations even were. I often find myself asking, "Well, what next?" because endings are suppossed to open up beginnings and beginnings mean something has ended. It always gets tricky when trying to decipher which is which. 

But my 20s have ended, the school year has ended, my graduate studies are ending, and Africa is beginning. So I embark, and maybe embarking is so often confused with starting and not  undertaking. Life is an undertaking, and though things seem like they come and go or start and stop, this life is an embarkment. 

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

Use the Remote

I wish I too could drop in the middle of the floor and have everything stop or wait up for me. Really, how great would it be if I could just put myself in time out? When I'm ready, I'll emerge, possibly with a new game plan, and it would be as if I never skipped a beat...

Well, he does miss Music or snack sometimes, but that's not exactly the point.

I'm just coming off a week of recooperation and could already petition for another one. It feels as if it never happened. The pressure to complete a handful of things and make decisions about others is almost a physical feeling right now; like my body can feel the weight of everything on top, pushing down. It becomes an immense burden. I'd like to know what the future holds; I'd like to know how things are going to play out.  Maybe this is the moment right before something dynamic is going to happen. This weight that bares you down before you can be built up again.

"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse.
So collapse.
Crumble.
This is not your destruction.

This is your birth. "
— n.t.  

What Dreams May Come

I keep having these strange dreams; its been a few nights in a row now. There doesn't seem to be a particular theme amonst them, but they're popping up much more often than usual. I wake up with just bits and pieces, still half asleep and trying to put them together but not quite sure what the outcome is. They involve locations, or I should say, that location plays an important role in them. I'm in New York with a sibling; a sibling is here with me; my parents want me there but they don't know if they want to be there either. Its as if we're all trying to find our place. Maybe its my own anxiety; I need answers regarding the upcoming months and its been a bit difficult trying to get them. I understand that I am looking for certain answers, and those may not be the ones I get...

agatha christie quote