All But.....

The waking up early part..

Come Out of the Shade

There are so many little moments throughout the day at work, little moments of insanity and delight, moments that inspire and discourage....its difficult to even relate many of them to people or even down on paper. Mostly, as of late, they have been moments of frustration and discouragement. Its unfortunate; its come down to encounters with co-workers and administration - petty, trivial, insignificant things that overshadow the incidents which are supposed to take your focus. Incidents which tug at me whether I'm at work or not. I can take the student gettying angry at me and giving me a good thump (yes, I get smacked almost daily at work), I can handle having to take off down the hall after a kid who get mad or who simply thinks its hilarious to have someone chase him, I don't even mind having to haul a kid off the floor, or block a book or lunch tray being thrown at me...
They're kids and they have so much going on inside of them that none of us will really understand. But I lose it when an adult fails to address an issue in a professional manner, or when they ignore a problem that's occuring on a daily basis, or they expect a kid to behave perfectly, or they hound someone regarding paperwork, or simply not communicating anything efficiently. I lose track of the grand things: 
the hug and "I miss you " from a student who has been out sick; the student who finally asked for permission for something when words are such a struggle; the student who finally did something all by themselves or the student who goes to the bathroom on the toilet for the first time. These are victories, celebrations and I barely have the energy for them anymore. Its not that I don't care about them; its great that they happen but I think I'm almost indifferent. And its because I can't get out of the funk the rest of the day puts me in. Everything else swarming around me clouds a lot of the good. That's unhealthy, uninspiring, unmotivating. I've had a really hard time with it all as of late, even shedding a few tears. And I thought today, "Some of this is me. I'm choosing to be downtrodden and resentful and bitter when I walk through these doors. Let's try to change that. Even though I know its time to leave, its time to get away, I'm here for now."

"Change your energy, change your life."

I've Forgotten How To.....

The new year has come and gone, but mostly it just feels like it has just gone. It was surround by sadness and anxiety and fear because something else had gone too. My car was taken in the middle of the night, from right outside my apartment. Though it could have been so much worse, as nothing harmful was done to me personally, it still felt like I had been invaded, attacked. Like the act was done TO me and not just some random car that could have been anyone else's too. And maybe I was a target....and so I've been paranoid pretty much every night since. The first night, it was every little noise and a couple of nightmares that had me waking up. Now I just find myself wanting to be in before too late, even before dark which really is unreasonable and rather depressing as well. But I have this
pending, unsettled mood hovering over me or around me. An aura of unease. 

I even got the call just a few days later; today. But spending the majority of my week on holiday break actually dealing with and worrying about this...has been draining. I'm spent and in absolutely no mood to return to work in 2 days. I feel like I need an additional week to actually enjoy and get things done....

Mom and Dad have been truly life saving. Dad especially, remained shockingly calm and has navigated me through most of the "What the hell do I do?" moments. I've kept going over everything and asking myself what I would've done, who I would have called, who would've helped. He and I really almost reversed roles, with me freaking out and nearly hyperventilating and him telling me to breath, it will be alright. Well, I don't know if its alright YET, but I have a bit of hope.

Crime and Crime Again

"People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the lonliest thing in the world." -Kim Culbertson

Ain't that the truth. Its like feeling overwhelmed and distant at the same time. The contrast in company last week was highly noticeable, nearly arresting. After day ins and day outs of people at work, I needed to get away and it was even more evident with a different batch of people. A batch that just seemed less...cumbersome. I'm just around them so much; every day with people and then sometimes even longer than regular work hours once meetings and phone calls are added. I'm drained. Done. A two week break couldn't have been anymore needed, but in reality, it needs to be longer than two weeks. I think I would venture to say that I nearly all respect for a supervisor in one sitting. It just fleeted. I would have liked to take some responsibility, but once a move as unprofessional as this occurs, that's aweful difficult to do. And I still have to go back to it. When this little "stay-ca" is finished, sadly done, I will be back to face this. Them.

Pumpkin Pie Forever

I've been rather crabby lately. I know this anyway, but I know it even moreso since a co-worker pointed out to me that my reaction was "the happiest they've seen me in a couple of months." A reaction all over having my library fees paid....a big deal in the life of a reader on a budget, but not necessarily enough to drastically contrast my normal dispostion. I've had all this time on my hands, too. Without tutoring or classes or a thesis or even gardening, my time has been available for TV series, long workouts, roaming stores, writing, and reading. The stress of last year is not in vision, even after dealing with work all day I generally get to leave it behind and move on to something I enjoy. I just can't seem to adjust my attitude; it may have something to do with yet another rejection for a job interview. I must be something like 0 for 30. Not a single place has even seemed interested. My stellar resume apparently hasn't made quite the impact I was hoping for, or even suspected. Things that involved overseas, and teaching, and tutoring, and magazines, and what-not are either not as impressive as I thought or are being overlooked. I know, people are wanting specific things which require specific skills, and its a choir to sit down and get to know someone. Because I also know, there are many of these jobs I would be good at. I may even rock at.
But today is not about complaining; its "a time of thanks" as one of my little guys reminded us this week. He was even crying about something he didn't want to do, so I should may follow suit.Take this time to recharge, refocus, regroup...

"I've survived a lot of things,
and I'll probably survive this."
 -J.D Salinger

You teach people how to treat

 you by what you 

allow, what you stop, and

 what you reinforce.  

  -Tony Gaskins