Things and Stuff

The wave came again. More heat. Then a nice cool off, and now the temperature is auguring to creep back up again as if it was just a short little tease. Back and forth, back and forth. Just like my emotions these days. 
A wave of frustration came in with the Indian Summer. One person after the next that I have to build up my nerve to challenge. At the insurance company, the grocery store, work, the weekend gig at the garden, my landlord, and even a friend. The second to last one has been a dousey - I'm currently in the process of writing my grievance after numerous phone calls to no avail. Oh, yes, someone answers and then little, if anything, is rectified. So another phone call. A backed-up air-conditionar which overflows onto the kitchen floor; a dishwasher which refuses to drain; mold which finds itself in the most unexplainable places; a leaky hot water heater soaking the carpet and having to sit for 72 hours until something can be properly done about it. 
And the matter of an unprofessional email sent to my superiors regarding a matter that misrepresented by someone who didn't take the time to investigate. I'm stirred up by ignorance, the willingness to put someone through  labor or distress just because you're lazy or need a power trip is something I'll never understand.

Cap it off with the new car not looking so new anymore. It was an accident. One that could've been avoided, but then all accidents usually can be right? That still means having to deal with things. Things. So much of stress has to do with things, and when its the people behind them as well it can just be all the more of a hitch and strain. Its amazing how much you can let it suck from you, how easy to lose sight beyond things and, well, even beyond people and their actions. 

But there has still been a good laugh or two, a couple real fall days of cool weather and grey skies, and some great reads and great food.... things that I suppose should be paid attention to. 

Hinge

"August feels like a hinge in the year. Swing backwards and summer is there, swing forward and fall is waiting. I'm in the swing forward camp. I'm never sorry to the see summer end, although I'll miss the peaches. I'm ready for sweaters and socks and new suede shoes." - Stephanie Madewell (Even Cleveland)


Entering the third week of school and it may be the hottest week yet. We're heading into the tail-end, the fizzing out of summer, but are still coming in the building all sticky and smelly from activities. The Indian summer has hurdled itself right into the midst of us while I've been poised for the change of seasons for a couple of weeks now. Eager, wishing, hungry for something different. Ready for the door to swing. 

The Newness of New

And here we are. Back at it, after what some may call a summer vacation but really didn't feel very vacationy at all. Vacations rejuvenate, refresh, even inspire as they take you away from your everyday, away from your regular, away from "the norm".  I didn't get that; I'm just back, with nothing to show for it. We stood in a circle and while other shared celebrations of a new home, so many years married, new grand baby, some trip, project finished...I listened and shoved away my millstone disguised as a new car. A new car - exciting and nerve-wrecking and a bit heartbreaking to know I'll be saying goodbye to my not-so-trusty Big Red who I actually love driving. But I do think it was just that time. 
And it was time to go back I suppose.  The time I had did seem like a break though, and for that I should be thankful. I should be thankful for a lot of things that have occured over the past week or so. New car, or almost like 2 new cars once the JEEP is returned after a make-over, new books thanks to the Book Fair, new food and drinks, a new school with new kids...Its all fresh and rejuvenating in its own way. I hope to take advantage of this year, to really search and evaluate and consider; to not be so stressed by the prospect of having to endure.  

Life

The Head and The Heart

Being home gives me time. And more time allows for the inpromptu rumaging through old things, old memories. I've dug some things out of the archives, opening boxes and notebooks/journals filled with the collection of experience - struggle and pleasure. Other things that are often displayed right in front of me have gotten more attention as well, seemingly jumping out to prompt me into longing for another episode...

The realization or just rememberance that I've gotten to do some absolutely incredible things in my life has been a blessing; refreshing in a lot of ways. But its also made me want more. Its made me not want to have the time to sit around. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't taken this summer to get up and go somewhere. Then the opportunity presented itself for a time a little later on, this fall, and I was one click away from a plane ticket; before I had time to think through the pros and cons and be somewhat responsible, I was committed. I was going to Ireland, maybe France, time and money be damned. I was so excited and so anxious at the same time because I want to GO but I know once I was boarding a plane, a few hundred dollars would be tacked on to that once I was trotting around in an enjoyable fashion. I mean, Ireland! France! It doesn't come cheap as I'd want it to count for something.

But then the car went on the fritz, the plane ticket went up, and Ireland got cut down to just a few days while Paris got extended a few days, and I just couldn't rationalize the spending of my savings on a less than ideal package; a trip in which I would be limited and wouldn't really get to do my heart's desires.

So I turned it down. My motto of "just go" took a back seat, or really got thrown out the window is more like it. My heart sank a little, knowing I would return to work without a single story to tell while others would be able to go on and on about the summer travels. Its no secret the last year has been a bit of a struggle for me... but there was some relief in my decision, too. And immediate planning for the coming year.

Trophy in a Postcard

I'm home. Not necessarily where I want to be. This summer, this year really, has brought me still, to remain after so much commotion in a spot I seemed wedged in...
This is the first summer in about 8 years, I believe, that I'm not packing my bags and headed off on some grand adventure. I accepted it, partly because I didn't know what else to do, and partly because I sitting might not be so bad. It might be what I need desperately. Down-time, is something I'm actually relatively good at; its accomplishing things during that down-time that I struggle with. I can watch tons of movies and sprawl myself through the internet, and read and even plan...but actually executing...
I want to be doing, but often I need a jump start. Just sitting and telling myself to get things done doesn't really do the trick; its the motivation from something else that sparks more motivation to move on. I'm sitting here browsing through other friends' and acquiantances' photos, and wanting to be there. I don't even necessarily care where there is, but its somewhere outside my ordinary where things are happening. I get jealous; it may also be a craving or simply discontent, but I can't deny a sense of envy for others' adventures and envolvement. Their summer looks thrilling, and most importantly, successful. They did something.

As much as an answer to prayer my last 3 or 4 months have been, I can't say there is anything to be proud of. And that, ultimately, is what I think I'm struggling with. The fact that its been a whole year since I've been able to hold something up for everyone to see. 

Out, Digging

"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." -Margaret Atwood
In the summer, too, and why not be covered in it?

Even with gloves on, my fingernails become black, and I forgo scrapping out the mud and mulch that has accumulated from the hours spent plunging them into the ground. I burn under the sun, get bit by seen and unseen pests, pricked with thrones and jabbed with stubs, my muscles ache and I don't really mind it. 
The time passes with me clearing out entire patches of weeds and runaway plants; I yank things as tall as I and some as small as fingertidp, my ears plugged with music to hum along to or contemplating past and future events, talking to myself or God......

I got an unexpected summer gig, which couldn't have been any bigger of a blessing really. With nowhere to travel to this year (a huge disappointment I'm still struggling with), I was going to be left on my own for five weeks without much to do other than go shopping, apparently. Shopping with money I wouldn't have. So instead, I toil in a surprisingly enjoyable fashion, for a surprisingly generous amount and feel rather accomplished at the day's end. The money, if I'm going to be honest was the primary motivator, and obviously, I wouldn't have taken the offer without it, but the mornings and afternoons have provided unexpected peace as well. The earth, in and of itself, can be calming, reflective, and even healing.