Knees To the Floor

I want Canada. And I want Beasley. I want the cool temps and the blue skies with puffs of white and the mountains and fresh air and fresh water. I want the teachers who joke and the recess that lets me play basketball and the teachers' lounge that lets me linger...I want to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I kinda want to go home. 

My life has done a 180 in the past month. Maybe a 360 or even a 540. And I feel as though I'm still spinning around on an axis so fast I can't determine what I'm seeing or where I'm supposed to land. If I have landed, I'm rather disoriented and just not feeling so right. Whatever right is right now. 

I've left my job, my residence, some friends, and even some family. I haven't gone very far away but I feel rather alone wherever I am.  There's so much emotion traveling through and with me as well - frustration, hurt, resentment, fear, curiosity, defeat, exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, and things I haven't even identified yet. These are mostly negative feelings, and I loathe negativity.  The space between me and people right now is like a canyon or like a brand new sneaker I’m trying to break in. Not that I can’t say none of it is it on me - I am just a human being - but I’m more disappointed that I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t change people I don’t think; that’s really, extremely difficult to accept. Not just change but even help. I haven’t even been to my parents’ house in weeks, and haven’t seen or spoken to my brothers in months. That hurts.

And the classroom is a whole different planet now.  I’m just floating around out there, bouncing off kids like a pinball. Something I thought I was really good at doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.  I'm in a place that I'm going to need to be lifted out of.......

Prayer For the Restless

Oh me oh my. This post was about loaded and locked, and then lost. That's been happening often. So now I'm struggling to come up with the rights words again, the manner in which to express what is churning on the inside. I feel defeated, and I'm not even sure what the competition was. There hasn't been a failure, but it does seem as though there has been a set back. I have the desire to move forward; even if I don't know where exactly I want to end up, I just feel it needs to be somewhere other than where I am or where I've been.
While I was in Canada (or anytime I'm away, really) I experience this rejuvenation and, thus, wish to start anew. I think the two go hand-in-hand....even while I'm wanting my routine and comforts of home, I don't really want home anymore. I want a new challenge and a new set of lessons to learn.
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough and there are things right here, right under my nose, which I need to venture in finding. It takes looking, yes, but also the motivation to look as well as the willpower, but mostly the belief. I need to believe that I can find it and not just sit around waiting for it to come to me. I've been waiting far too long.

Elsewhere

If it weren't for the stiffling heat, you would actually believe that summer was winding down. Every thing else seems to point in that direction - darkness falling a little earlier, the aisles lined with school supplies, the sporadic appearance of pumpkin favor in grocery stores...its coming, slowly but surely. I even escaped some of the hottest days here, galloping around Canada, but I'm more than ready to get these last few weeks of them over with.

Never Gonna Change?

I'm home, and I already wish I was away again.  I can't help but admit to how hard it is for me to return; even when I'm worn-out from travel and am looking for some sort of routine to resume, coming home is arduous and disheartening. There's so much more to deal with which is ironic when you think about it because I just came from tackling flight lines and times, and budgets, and relationships, and accomodations, and all the other things that come along with travel. But the knowledge that its all temporary, that I have to seize the moment, always follows me as well.  I know its going to be over; that's why I don't really understand why I get sad and bothered. This place creates so much drama, and I can't help but feel anxious and burdened by the fact that I have to deal with it because, quite frankly, I don't know how to. I want to NOT deal with it and that seems to be a problem, too. Not only does not dealing with family lead to ignoring them and, thus, causing more tension but I'm simply not very good at ignoring these kinds of things. To be away always seems easiest and just hope that it would fix itself....
The next few weeks, possibly months, may be difficult to adjust to and find how I need to move along with or forward in the scheme of things. There will be emotions and tears and probably words that carry a lot of weight. And I can't just run away.

Where Do I Lose It?

A whole entry.....lost. I'm still not sure how that happens when you save it, other than it didn't really save or it did but is floating around somewhere out in the cyber world.  But I would have a new entry needing to be constructed after the past couple of days anyway. I'm T-4 days from my trip departure, and even though its not what I had originally intended for this summer, I am rather electrified by the prospect of this whole adventure. And even though things have been heavy and swift this week, I am still rather electrified. It really couldn't have come at a more perfect time, I don't think. I mean, obviously, I don't always plan accordingly or timely, but it seems that I need it. NOW.
My patience does get tested with these kinda things. Accidents, hospitals, a stubborn father, a bumptious brother, mom, friends, a lot of details....that sounds like just about everything but it all seems to conglomerate under a particular circumstance or two. There are so many things I don't get freaked out about, and then some of the littlest things. Just like a trip that takes a complete turn in the opposite direction (literally), so does trauma and injury require a little bit of faith. 

Banking On a Myth

Well, hello. There has been quite a length of time between now and last time I've written. Written here at least. Some technical difficulties forced me to invest my words elsewhere, but the difficulties have somehow been resolved.  I can't say that in regards to all difficulties, only the one I've been experiencing with getting a post up.....
The past 6 months have been anything but smooth or without difficulty. To recount all that has occurred - from destructive students, to disagreements with co-workers, to planned trips and cancelled trips, to car issues, from how to make money this summer, to what to spend money on this summer - would be tedious and exhausting. Things are happening though, whether they are the things I was necessarily expecting or not at least I'm not sitting around all summer feeling sorry for myself. Things at school cleaned up relatively nicely, and I don't have fear or hostility awaiting for me when I return.
Its often hard to look at things and believe that they'll work themselves out. When you can't really see much further than what's right in front of you, how do you know what's going to be for you down the road?

It's having faith, believing that somehow this frustrating burden will alleviate and leave you the better. Or at least not abandon you with nothing. Its hard not to think that it will; to tell the lies that that's just what they are: lies.   

I'm excited about the rest of the summer and what it has to hold. 

Where Are the Cool Kids?

"You're young, you're single..." Then why am I not out at a party with all the other young, single people? Instead, I'm on the couch in my PJs with a bottle of wine and some Redbox movies...cause that's what the young and single and cool people do.
I maybe should have gone out tonight, but really just couldn't bring myself to do it. It wouldn't have been a night with just a few close friends, rather a bunch of strangers and awkward conversations trying to catch up people who may have been a part of my life at some time...and that doesn't necessarily spell out FUN to me. Plus, the weather create some major road problems and has had people bumper to bumper and scrambling to find alternate routes to their destinations, and that doesn't spell FUN to me either.
See, I have my excuses. I don't know how good they are or if I'm just putting forth a sorry effort to continue this recess of isolation. Because that really is what most of this break has consisted of - a lot of me and little of anyone else. I know, and we could speak of healthy or unhealthy all we want but as soon as I'm required to go back to work on Monday and be surrounded by people all the time, I'll want my own time again. So I've been mostly guiltless in my long gym visits, late night movies and reads, late sleep-ins, YouTube binges, morning lattes, store roaming, and really, whatever else I feel up to. Like venturing into Illinois for a unexpected breakfast and a 10am movie.