Right Behind You

I went out last night with a few members of my old crew, and then today I stopped by the school today to say "Hey!" to those I missed. I didn't tell them I was going to do that last part, but both encounters were satisfying. It was a tad sad, too. I miss them and their companionship. I feel like I'm by myself a lot, and I am...I'm in the classroom alone and a lot of time passes without me talking to co-workers. That will come as time goes by, before and after school - I think - I hope. Right now I am very grateful for what I had and those ties, but I'm also still just trying to find my stride. 

Record HIGH, Record LOW

Life isn’t long enough to do all you could accomplish. And what a privilege even to be alive. In spite of all the pollutions and horrors, how beautiful this world is. Supposing you only saw the stars once every year. Think what you would think. The wonder of it!

Its officially November, and 80+ degrees outside. That gets to me. And yesterday got to me, to the point of me having to fight back tears. I was thinking, "its only Monday and we're on a downhill run....." Then today was fine. Good even. A complete turn around and feeling like I could actually do this. Yesterday, wasn't feeling like I could do it. Middle school is a beast that I may just have to accept that I can't tame. They're raging egos and hormones moving around on two little stilts.
I've gone to the gym a lot the past week and worked-out some of my frustration with a whole lot of aggression and sweat. The scale hasn't proven much labor, but someone made sure to tell me that I looked good, so that should be enough. For now. I'm always on myself for things - things I could do better or differently. Its everyday and that is what exhausts me most often the time. I need to concentrate on little things, little things that c make my day worthwhile.

Knees To the Floor

I want Canada. And I want Beasley. I want the cool temps and the blue skies with puffs of white and the mountains and fresh air and fresh water. I want the teachers who joke and the recess that lets me play basketball and the teachers' lounge that lets me linger...I want to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I kinda want to go home. 

My life has done a 180 in the past month. Maybe a 360 or even a 540. And I feel as though I'm still spinning around on an axis so fast I can't determine what I'm seeing or where I'm supposed to land. If I have landed, I'm rather disoriented and just not feeling so right. Whatever right is right now. 

I've left my job, my residence, some friends, and even some family. I haven't gone very far away but I feel rather alone wherever I am.  There's so much emotion traveling through and with me as well - frustration, hurt, resentment, fear, curiosity, defeat, exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, and things I haven't even identified yet. These are mostly negative feelings, and I loathe negativity.  The space between me and people right now is like a canyon or like a brand new sneaker I’m trying to break in. Not that I can’t say none of it is it on me - I am just a human being - but I’m more disappointed that I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t change people I don’t think; that’s really, extremely difficult to accept. Not just change but even help. I haven’t even been to my parents’ house in weeks, and haven’t seen or spoken to my brothers in months. That hurts.

And the classroom is a whole different planet now.  I’m just floating around out there, bouncing off kids like a pinball. Something I thought I was really good at doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.  I'm in a place that I'm going to need to be lifted out of.......

Prayer For the Restless

Oh me oh my. This post was about loaded and locked, and then lost. That's been happening often. So now I'm struggling to come up with the rights words again, the manner in which to express what is churning on the inside. I feel defeated, and I'm not even sure what the competition was. There hasn't been a failure, but it does seem as though there has been a set back. I have the desire to move forward; even if I don't know where exactly I want to end up, I just feel it needs to be somewhere other than where I am or where I've been.
While I was in Canada (or anytime I'm away, really) I experience this rejuvenation and, thus, wish to start anew. I think the two go hand-in-hand....even while I'm wanting my routine and comforts of home, I don't really want home anymore. I want a new challenge and a new set of lessons to learn.
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough and there are things right here, right under my nose, which I need to venture in finding. It takes looking, yes, but also the motivation to look as well as the willpower, but mostly the belief. I need to believe that I can find it and not just sit around waiting for it to come to me. I've been waiting far too long.

Elsewhere

If it weren't for the stiffling heat, you would actually believe that summer was winding down. Every thing else seems to point in that direction - darkness falling a little earlier, the aisles lined with school supplies, the sporadic appearance of pumpkin favor in grocery stores...its coming, slowly but surely. I even escaped some of the hottest days here, galloping around Canada, but I'm more than ready to get these last few weeks of them over with.

Never Gonna Change?

I'm home, and I already wish I was away again.  I can't help but admit to how hard it is for me to return; even when I'm worn-out from travel and am looking for some sort of routine to resume, coming home is arduous and disheartening. There's so much more to deal with which is ironic when you think about it because I just came from tackling flight lines and times, and budgets, and relationships, and accomodations, and all the other things that come along with travel. But the knowledge that its all temporary, that I have to seize the moment, always follows me as well.  I know its going to be over; that's why I don't really understand why I get sad and bothered. This place creates so much drama, and I can't help but feel anxious and burdened by the fact that I have to deal with it because, quite frankly, I don't know how to. I want to NOT deal with it and that seems to be a problem, too. Not only does not dealing with family lead to ignoring them and, thus, causing more tension but I'm simply not very good at ignoring these kinds of things. To be away always seems easiest and just hope that it would fix itself....
The next few weeks, possibly months, may be difficult to adjust to and find how I need to move along with or forward in the scheme of things. There will be emotions and tears and probably words that carry a lot of weight. And I can't just run away.

Where Do I Lose It?

A whole entry.....lost. I'm still not sure how that happens when you save it, other than it didn't really save or it did but is floating around somewhere out in the cyber world.  But I would have a new entry needing to be constructed after the past couple of days anyway. I'm T-4 days from my trip departure, and even though its not what I had originally intended for this summer, I am rather electrified by the prospect of this whole adventure. And even though things have been heavy and swift this week, I am still rather electrified. It really couldn't have come at a more perfect time, I don't think. I mean, obviously, I don't always plan accordingly or timely, but it seems that I need it. NOW.
My patience does get tested with these kinda things. Accidents, hospitals, a stubborn father, a bumptious brother, mom, friends, a lot of details....that sounds like just about everything but it all seems to conglomerate under a particular circumstance or two. There are so many things I don't get freaked out about, and then some of the littlest things. Just like a trip that takes a complete turn in the opposite direction (literally), so does trauma and injury require a little bit of faith.