Mum's the Word

Everything has been slowed down. I've been buried in a heap of snow and a chest of fluid for the past 3 days. Actually, the later has been for a good week now. I'm thankful for the snow if only for the recovery time, but it feels like winter so it should look it also. But I don't do well with laying in bed for hours on end....after awhile I need movement and productivity so, against my better judgement, I have been to the gym a couple times this week. On the upside of that, I am running again; not up to my normal standards but the most in nearly 4 months. There's still rehibilitation and progress to be made but I'm encouraged.
There are only a few things which unnerve me more than losing time. But sometimes I can stop and reflect and actually make decisions. I'm to that point where I just want change that I find the littlest thing to make a difference; like cutting off my hair or rearranging and cleaning or...filling out an apartment application. Yes, I've done it and am on the verge of turning it in. The verge is having the conversation with my parents, which in all honesty, I'm tempted to bypass and just give them my moving date. Essentially, it comes down to progress; I have made a resolute decision to rattle my life every so often and I think this may be a good time to do some rattling.

Its not that I need to run; I've felt that and followed through with that before. This is moving. There are simply a lot of directions to go.

Tree of Life

When I lived in Korea I would constantly be looking for places to visit and consistantly picked out some random place to go on some random day when I had nothing really to do. I mean, just wander around looking. Sometimes after work, on an earlier afternoon if it was nice out, I would just meander through my neighborhood for a few blocks peering into places. I would frequent this little office supplies store where there was all kinds of paper, notebooks, pens, markers, stickers, and I grabbed something just to feel creative and productive. There were a number of little coffee shops/cafes to stop in, and after a few months there I had no trouble just walking in somewhere on a whim. 

That doesn' happen here and I wish I knew why. Granted, the walking isn't as convenient, but I know I'm more conscious and less impulsive. I have much more reserve here, in the place where I grew up than I have in foreign countries. I seemingly need so much more courage to do something spontaneous. I took the day off today with every intention of doing something I wouldn't get to do on a normal day and instead I wander around in stores I go to on a daily basis seeing nothing out of the ordinary. There are plenty of things here in St. Louis which I have yet to experience. I wanted a day of nonsense accompanied by a bit of inspiration. I didn't find it quite the way I wanted to, but the peace of a day off without commitments...

I've been feeling good lately. Overwhelmed with decisions to make, but good. Eating well, exercising a lot, reading, thinking, planning. The movie The Tree of Life has been playing frequently, some snippets over and over. That movie blows me away, making me realize the simplicity combined with the complexity of life.
Sometimes the world seems so small and at other times it feels huge.

 "The nuns taught us there were two ways through life - the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. Grace doesn't try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries.  Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. The nuns taught us that no one who loves the way of grace ever comes to a bad end. I will be true to you. Whatever comes." 

pics from amodernhepburn

Blacktop

I've been the star of blacktop recess. Its like freshman year of hight school all over again. I have a whole group of fans, a cheering section telling me to pop it from behind the 3-point line.  The basket is low and the ball is small so I'm not making that many of them, but when I do they go wild. It's enough for a 5 year old I guess. And even at 28, it feels good.

E is still my favorite. He's leaving me slowly and I'm trying to prepare myself but I know I'll have a good cry.  I don't feel like he's ready which is part of it; the other is just how much joy he brings me. I don't want that to go away....I'm so proud of him though. Yesterday he told me how smart he is and wanted to prove it to me on a math problem. "Ms. Cassi, watch," and he proceeded to illustrate his calculation. He was still wrong but his confidence was enough to make me smile. I remember him just 2 years ago...and I gain some confidence also.

Give It Up

Once again I attempted to give up coffee, or at least go on a healthy streak without it. I lasted 3 days and all it accomplished was fumbling around for an extra 10 minutes in the morning looking for things. I nearly washed my face with toothpaste the other day. Then a brand new coffee press arrived and I had to give it a whirl. 
It's Sunday. I'm sitting in bed with my fresh cup while it sleets outside and Under the Tuscan Sun plays on TV.  This film makes my heart race, mostly the first 30-40 minutes when she decides to "screw it" and just go live somewhere away from everything she knows.  Yes, I've done that .... and I have the urge to do it again. I'm getting jealous for that kind of courage. To undertake something possibly bigger than yourself and have to see it through. There are so many things bigger than me that I have a difficult time committing to just one. I'm sure there's still fear there; fear that I won't be able to make it. Fear of failure. But the fear of staying put has often led me through that. So even though there are so many things I want right now, I am also realizing some of the things I need to give up. Giving some things up, or letting them go, often removes barriers and allows movement. And there can be a lot of beauty in that struggle. 

Some Dr. Suess

So, adding up all the things I CAN do. That's a better way to start a week.

I can bake. Maybe not everything but fudge brownies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, zucchini bread. I can write. Writing typically comes easy for me. I can draw a bit.  I can dribble the basketball between my legs, whip it behind my back and charge the basket or pull up for the 3 - and make it. I can plan a heck of a trip. I'm also a good organizer when put on the spot. I can talk a child out of a tantrum and into almost anything. Give a great gift, one that no one else would think of. Be on time, bite my tongue, move on...those I can do. I can game on in Scrabble. It gets pretty competative. I got some good jokes, especially when you set yourself up. I'm good at laughing. For sure.

Can't, Cannot

I'm adding up all the things I cannot do. Like cook. I'm not a picky eater and I still don't think I'm any good with a stove and a pan. Even my baking is typically a hit or miss, more often a miss. I can't ski; though I've been only once thevery thought of it kind of makes my knees wobble.  I don't have the coordination. Which does away with dancing. Athleticism does not lead to dancing feet. Pool - cue balls and pockets work against me. I'm as tone deaf as they come, not able to replicate a single line of a song on key. Truely. It's bad. One of my cats would run and hide under the bed while the other would run at me - straight to my face if he could, as if to say "make it stop or I will!" I can't play an instrament. I can't paint. I can't juggle. No card tricks or magic tricks of any kind. The list goes on and on. And things I may not even know.

White Winter Hymnal

The snow did finally come. Not enough of it if you ask me, but the day AFTER Christmas was white. The week went by in a blink and I had that desire to crame as much in as I can before the bliss is over. That, of course, is not practical. It only leaves me feeling urgent and overwhelmed rather than accomplished. There is also a subtle joy in lying around doing nothing; that's what the doctor ordered anyway. No, still not running and its driving me mad. There's madness all around with the hustle and bustle, people certainly feeling as though they need to reach things which are beyond their grasp. A new year doesn't always bring a sense of a fresh start or new beginnings. It can also lend to the feeling of failure or of repeat - "Here we go again". The same song.

But there are always things to change. If you stop trying to be better, you shut off the opportunity to improve and growth. I often hear of letting things be or acknowledging the shade of your grass and be thankful that you have grass at all.....something like that. I've learned to keep reaching even if I have to come down for a bit or I don't always get as high as I want to. There's a view or something sweet at every branch.