Paperweight

My heart hurts. I've felt it for the past two weeks or so.  Something has been placed there I can't seem to shake off very well.  This happens every so often, but this is the longest it has lasted in awhile.  Things typically come and go and sometimes they just pile up so I guess its more troublesome to get the load to budge. Sometimes I think the things aren't actually that heavy, I'm just hold them down pretty hard. 

People have become hard for me to connect with; not for lack of trying which is the most frustrating part.  

Many conversations and emails have take place over this past week, bringing some things to settle down a bit.  Between work and home I've become rather displaced.  There has been much to deal with over the past 6 months and my words can fail me when I would just prefer to walk away.  I don't really know where I'd walk to....

I'm reminded of something I realized abroad, and that's the fact that most people wanted to feel appreciated and that's it. I don't do a very good job of telling people I appreciate them.  I had (yes, had) to share some very personel things with J the other day just so he would know what goes on inside a lot of the time.  I knew my blood was going to surge to somewhere, that feeling that it pools somewhere, waiting.  I've had the other feeling this week too - when the blood is going to burst out of your toes and fingertips.  It makes me wonder what I still have inside... 

Beekeeper

I not-so-secretely want to do this.

photo from awelltraveledwoman

Elliot

"April is the cruelest month," he said, but I wonder what T.S. Eliot was doing in January and February. After the presents have been opened, the lights put away, and the champaine drained, the only thing left to do is look down at the scale and discover how many pants sizes you've gone up.  And then realize how much work its going to take to get them to go back down.  The end of the holidays tends to put me in funk; I go through a good period of mourning because it doesn't seem like there is anything to look forward to for awhile. Then I emerge with some rather ambitious tasks and expectations.  

Sometimes I mistakenly sit down and think about all the things I have and have not accomplished in my 27 years.  I inevetably think about it when one year ends and another begins, for what better time to contemplate life's platter than when you've been strung out on sugar and alcohol for the better part of a week? Exactly.  But I didn't make any new year resolutions this time around; they're always broad and my life should be broad anyway. My life should be a resolution.  I'm always looking for some big oppportunity or decision to make - and I hate making big decisions!  But the thrill is what gets me.  Sometimes, I have realized, contentment should be a thrill.