Saturday, August 26, 2017

Hand Covers Bruise

I am just tired. That seemingly simple word holds so much. So much weight, so much suggestion, and so much mystery.  Tired of what? I just tromped around 4 different countries for 2 weeks on my own.  But here I am, wanting to get away again. Maybe that's not quite what I'm feeling; there's anxiety and frustration as well. I know those feelings too well to not be able to recognize them. Its what to do about them that I am suddenly struggling with. The gym hasn't been as reliable as usual; I haven't been around many people nor are there many people I've wanted to be around out of fear that I'd have to share what was really going on. I've tried some exploring, trying new experiences but there haven't really been many opportunities for that. My lack of focus and energy have been discouraging and debilitating.  For one of the first times I can remember in a long time, if at any point of time at all, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to curl back up and drift into unconsciousness and had to FORCE myself to get moving. It was a foreign incident that kinda alarmed me.....
I know I'll be ok; at least I believe that for the most part. 

Sunday, August 6, 2017

So Much Sky

2 weeks, 4 countries, 8 planes (1 missed flight), 3 trains 2 boats, a dozen buses, uncountable steps (only 1 blister!), lots of coffee, a fair amount of beer, some great food and some great music, tons of fresh air, one spectacular view after another, a good deal of courage and grace, little sleep, few showers, no phone calls, no TV, no news, no laundry, sometimes the wrong direction and sometimes no caught in a torrential downpour, got caught in a game of musical chairs with some Germans and Australians, got caught in a drunken Scotsman's birthday party, got caught in a number of ridiculous and fascinating conversations, caught a glimpse of Mel Gibson filming his latest flick, caught a free ride to the mountains, and caught a cold.

I spent a considerable amount of time being alone, though engulfed in crowds of people, yet not being lonely....sure there were a few times I wished to comment on what was happening and share it with another person, but I also had this somewhat weird (and surely selfish) feeling that this experience was "mine".  That's only so-so true, in a singular, narrow-minded regard, but I need to just hold on to things like that and internalize them sometimes. My trip certainly wasn't perfect and I know I didn't necessarily make the most of every opportunity, but all things considered (and there were numerous things to consider), I made out pretty well. There were parts of that trip were absolutely astonishing, and I can honestly say, nothing about it was a disappointment.  The fact that I put that all together on my own, and then went out and conquered it on my own. I've garnered a lot of courage and have learned to trust myself a great deal by venturing out on these excursions solo. And this time I had no one waiting on the other side.....I think that might be a first. It's not that I don't like traveling with people; I am just okay with myself. And that, I've learned, is a very valuable thing. So is the opportunity to just be  in nature.

I need solitude. I need space. I need air. I need the empty fields round me; and my legs pounding along roads; and sleep; and animal existence. - Virginia Woolf