Tuesday, February 13, 2018

God Save Our Young Blood

The gamet is wide. From a first-thing-in-the-morning hug to a "Fuck you".  There are genuine moments of success, of relationships where a positive connection is made.  Sometimes, I dare say, I even think a kid respects me.  But then I can have the complete opposite thought, a completely contradicting experience, even with the the same kid where they seeming turn on me.  Most actions or words of hate are completely irrational; it comes from something festering on the insie that has nothing to do with me. Even kids who act in accordance with just getting their way - that was cultivated by someone else and has been use to growing so isn't going to die out easily. And there are many (however many) a kids who I am not going to be THAT person for or to. THAT one who can break them or reach them or connect with them and they lean on when they need to.
I, too though, have a bit of a difficult time with being rejected.  I'm a fairly easy person to please and ultimately have one rule of thumb: don't be an asshole. That's sure to lose favor, I hate to say it.  I just have very little patience for diliberate disregard for other people. Unfortunately, there's a lot of that on a day to day basis where I work. Sometimes I really don't understand why it's so hard to just be nice to people....
But I know I have those kids who I have an A+ with....we jive well and I've been able to form a good, positive relationship.  I don't know how or why all the time, and I am aware that its different from kid to kid. I wish there was a formula to it, something that worked time and time again. However, it seems that's part of the challenge and the artistry. 

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

It Catches Up To You

Well, that was a bust. Quite litterally. The main water line burst and extended our winter break an extra 4 days. If only I had seen it coming, maybe better plans with my time off would have been made....but it was so cold out and uncertain weather made a trip a little risky. So I spent a lot of time cleaning and organizing, shopping and errands, and quite a few movies. I was grateful for the time to just breathe. The nature of the job right now is kinda unpredictable; I can be extremely stressed or bored and both of those things can lend to restlessness and irritation. I know, things I should be able to cope with by now. My path in life, at 33 years old, should be a little more clear. It seems I'm still not really living up to the role of adult yet, but how are you ever really supposed to feel that you've given an award worthy performance or should even be nominated. But I was better at getting things done this time and felt rather good about that. 
I always find the end of the holidays a little sad and don't wish for that reality to arrive. But I did alright this time; I perservered through it and intend to do that through the whole rest of the year. 

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Figure 8

Christmas was different this year. I guess its time for that to be the case again; a change that simply marks change though is a little difficult. We've changed as time has passed and we've gotten older, but without spouses or grandkids to consider or anyone coming in from out of town, I guess it seemes odd to me to make the change. Not that its bad. It was actually nice is a lot of ways....we went back to the old school Christmas morning. There are just so many elephants in the room, skeletons in the closet, wrestling matches underground....I don't know about that last one; I just know everyone is struggling. Of course there are a lot of things to be thankful for and I remind myself of that as often as I can.  There are a lot of things to worry about as well, and that seems to, inevitably, bring things to a boil. But we tried extra hard this holiday and were mostly successful.
I've always taken my time seriously, but I feel like things are more pertinent now. There's more of an urgency for some reason and a need to really evaluate things and what they mean. Its a new year, which can set people up for all kinds of expectations and even failures, and superficial things.  But there is something validating about the passing of one year and embarking on the next. I want to enjoy moments and encounters more and more, not fear things coming or passing.

Sunday, November 12, 2017


I'm still learning to find something good out of a bad experience or situation. Like the diamond in the rough. Just because there's someone who is acting a fool and causing all kinds of trouble doesn't mean A. that its my fault or B. that I can't have success with someone else, even at the same time.

I've had some potholes this week, but have also some major strides with some kids. There were situations that I foresaw being rather stressful and frustrating, and they were, but at moments I also experienced unexpected triumphs. Maybe just crisis aversions...but that's fine, too. I haven't looked forward to going to work, or liked going to work, or even not minded going. Most often, I actually dread going. I never really know what I'm going to face - other than emotional spasms, some mediocre lesson plan, and a little bit of disorganization - and that causes more stress than I expected. Hey, I like spontaneous. I AM spontaneous! I don't mind meandering off the path or whatnot. But this, everyday, standing against defiance and disrespect and a lack of self-control, is quite taxing. There have been some days I felt completely defeated at the end of it.  Like I left without any points.

Lately, however, I've been counting points differently. Some are barely noticeable, but if I stop and pay close enough attention, I can count them because I was able to get a kid to do something or not do something that is not typical for them. These moments aren't like popping up all the time, maybe not even every class period, but there are there.  This past week I've had some kids who are just bent on not being successful; they do not care and there isn't a lot you can do with that. And I will admit: there have been split seconds when I would have no remorse about smacking one of them (or a couple) in the face. I am getting better though. I do have kids that love to talk to me, that look for me in the halls and confiede in me. Sure, there are those who curse me out, ignore every direction/request, and have a general disregard for authority or even other people.... but I guess that's why they're there. I can't be everyone's friend or fix everyone. That's not realistic and I might as well try to hold dozens of corks underwater at one time.  I also might as well go for a hard workout, drink some wine and eat some chocolate, and call it a day. 

Thursday, September 21, 2017

The Bomb Went Off

I'm a tad stressed. Just a bit. Its a restless, tired, I don't know what to do with myself stressed.  Not really your typical mental and emotional strain...

I said the f-word in front of a kid the other day. More like to him; THE f-word, the one when you're angry and want to get your point across. I hear it so much every day, and it still makes me uneasy. And not because Oh my gosh its a bad word! but because it seems to send such a derogatory message, such a vulgar tone directed at someone.  As if to really say, "Whatever happens to you, I don't care."  I didn't go that far; it was used as in adjective but still, the fact that I let it fly showed just how much I was chomping at the bit.

I started the process of looking for another job. Of course I'm not sharing that with most people, well, any people really. But I think this job was only for a season anyway and maybe that season is over. I don't regret leaving my previous position; that job had a season as well and this has allowed some things to happen that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise.  I'm just usually good about reading my temperament and demeanor. 

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Hand Covers Bruise

I am just tired. That seemingly simple word holds so much. So much weight, so much suggestion, and so much mystery.  Tired of what? I just tromped around 4 different countries for 2 weeks on my own.  But here I am, wanting to get away again. Maybe that's not quite what I'm feeling; there's anxiety and frustration as well. I know those feelings too well to not be able to recognize them. Its what to do about them that I am suddenly struggling with. The gym hasn't been as reliable as usual; I haven't been around many people nor are there many people I've wanted to be around out of fear that I'd have to share what was really going on. I've tried some exploring, trying new experiences but there haven't really been many opportunities for that. My lack of focus and energy have been discouraging and debilitating.  For one of the first times I can remember in a long time, if at any point of time at all, I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to curl back up and drift into unconsciousness and had to FORCE myself to get moving. It was a foreign incident that kinda alarmed me.....
I know I'll be ok; at least I believe that for the most part. 

Sunday, August 6, 2017

So Much Sky

2 weeks, 4 countries, 8 planes (1 missed flight), 3 trains 2 boats, a dozen buses, uncountable steps (only 1 blister!), lots of coffee, a fair amount of beer, some great food and some great music, tons of fresh air, one spectacular view after another, a good deal of courage and grace, little sleep, few showers, no phone calls, no TV, no news, no laundry, sometimes the wrong direction and sometimes no direction.....got caught in a torrential downpour, got caught in a game of musical chairs with some Germans and Australians, got caught in a drunken Scotsman's birthday party, got caught in a number of ridiculous and fascinating conversations, caught a glimpse of Mel Gibson filming his latest flick, caught a free ride to the mountains, and caught a cold.

I spent a considerable amount of time being alone, though engulfed in crowds of people, yet not being lonely....sure there were a few times I wished to comment on what was happening and share it with another person, but I also had this somewhat weird (and surely selfish) feeling that this experience was "mine".  That's only so-so true, in a singular, narrow-minded regard, but I need to just hold on to things like that and internalize them sometimes. My trip certainly wasn't perfect and I know I didn't necessarily make the most of every opportunity, but all things considered (and there were numerous things to consider), I made out pretty well. There were parts of that trip were absolutely astonishing, and I can honestly say, nothing about it was a disappointment.  The fact that I put that all together on my own, and then went out and conquered it on my own. I've garnered a lot of courage and have learned to trust myself a great deal by venturing out on these excursions solo. And this time I had no one waiting on the other side.....I think that might be a first. It's not that I don't like traveling with people; I am just okay with myself. And that, I've learned, is a very valuable thing. So is the opportunity to just be  in nature.

I need solitude. I need space. I need air. I need the empty fields round me; and my legs pounding along roads; and sleep; and animal existence. - Virginia Woolf