Friday, October 28, 2011

Sick Day

I'm home.  And there is an incredibly satisfying feeling that comes with being at home when you're supposed to be at work.  Or being anywhere else when you're supposed to be at work, really. The park, Target, Dunkin' Donuts....
I've tarnished my perfect record, but whose considering that, REALLY? 
Let someone else chase and take things away from R for a day.
The other day I got a bit emotional having to get up and go to work.  So I'm pretty sure I just needed a day in which I didn't get up and go to work.  And the affect was just what I was hoping for.   

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Sometimes I can't wait to spend a Friday night by myself.  
Sometimes I have to take deep breaths before I face people.  
Sometimes I fill the coffee pot half-way with decafe so I can drink more of it and not feel so guilty.  
Sometimes I eat just the chocolate chips of a cookie. 
Sometimes I watch a scene from a movie or read a paragraph from a book over and over again.
Sometimes I want to go away for a day or two and not tell anyone where I'm going.
Sometimes I make lists of things I've already done to check them off just so I feel accomplished.
Sometimes I want to hug a stranger. 
Sometimes I want to go on a shopping spree and buy purely vain things.
Sometimes I want to have a yard sale and sell half my stuff.
Sometimes act out what I should have done.
Sometimes I miss Korea so much it hurts.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

One Cup At a Time

A soy latte didn't sound appealing when she stood in front of the counter and paid $3.50 for it.  If I was going to pay over 3 bucks for a cup of coffee, I was going to have them fit everything they could into that cup: chocolate, syrup, whip cream, sprinkles - you name it; the more the merrier, but she was paying and urged me to give it a whirl as it had become her favorite beverage after impressing her on consecutive occasions.  And now it is my drink of choice, especially after bottomless cup after bottomless cup has led the two of us into some of our most profound and therapeutic conversations and excursions.
I think I miss my friend.  She still calls, randomly, just to catch up.  And we've had distance between us before - oceans. I just can't seem to find a replacement.  I know, she's simply not replaceable...and it's not that I want her to be.  But I don't like that feeling where I can't find something that makes me feel as better as I do after talking to her.  So many evenings I just want to end up at her place and pour batter into a pan and pour my heart into her lap.  
It's a rare and inexplainable thing to be so comfortable with someone not related to you. And through so many years and through so many peaks and vallies and across so many miles.  I guess we've just shared enough that we can't help but keep on sharing.  
This week has nearly eaten me alive.  I was tempted to get in the car and drive the two hours just to sit at a table with a soy latte, but a little more planning has to happen now.  So, just to get my mind diverted, I'm planning.  Planning into the fall, which is my favorite by the way, friend and coffee included.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Beauty in the Breakdown

I taped it to his desk on a green flashcard - "great day green" - so he can see it right before he gets up to undertake another chore.  It's only two reminders, or survival tactics I would like to say, to:
1. have a calm body
2. ask
I'm thinking I need a copy taped to my own desk, maybe my door or my car visor before I ever even step foot into a place, particularly work.  E wasn't the only one with a rough week; mine sucked the energy and words right out of me. There were tears and I hate when there are tears If chasing a kid across the lawn and dodging his punches wasn't enough, my legs weren't very pleased with me either after logging some long runs.  A week total of 55 miles, and 18 of them came in a single day.  I didn't even tackle school work this week in fear that it would take the last of whatever I had.
No need to worry though, really. Really?  I tell myself that daily and just look for the little things that make the bigger things not so taxing.  A little basketball in the afternoon, a sunny day of 65 degrees, baking, a trip to Trader Joe's, a new T-shirt, a hug, an incredible song I hear for the first time, a good glass of wine...
I've realized that I'm not that hard to please.  It's pretty easy actually.

photo courtesy of