Mum's the Word

Everything has been slowed down. I've been buried in a heap of snow and a chest of fluid for the past 3 days. Actually, the later has been for a good week now. I'm thankful for the snow if only for the recovery time, but it feels like winter so it should look it also. But I don't do well with laying in bed for hours on end....after awhile I need movement and productivity so, against my better judgement, I have been to the gym a couple times this week. On the upside of that, I am running again; not up to my normal standards but the most in nearly 4 months. There's still rehibilitation and progress to be made but I'm encouraged.
There are only a few things which unnerve me more than losing time. But sometimes I can stop and reflect and actually make decisions. I'm to that point where I just want change that I find the littlest thing to make a difference; like cutting off my hair or rearranging and cleaning or...filling out an apartment application. Yes, I've done it and am on the verge of turning it in. The verge is having the conversation with my parents, which in all honesty, I'm tempted to bypass and just give them my moving date. Essentially, it comes down to progress; I have made a resolute decision to rattle my life every so often and I think this may be a good time to do some rattling.

Its not that I need to run; I've felt that and followed through with that before. This is moving. There are simply a lot of directions to go.

Tree of Life

When I lived in Korea I would constantly be looking for places to visit and consistantly picked out some random place to go on some random day when I had nothing really to do. I mean, just wander around looking. Sometimes after work, on an earlier afternoon if it was nice out, I would just meander through my neighborhood for a few blocks peering into places. I would frequent this little office supplies store where there was all kinds of paper, notebooks, pens, markers, stickers, and I grabbed something just to feel creative and productive. There were a number of little coffee shops/cafes to stop in, and after a few months there I had no trouble just walking in somewhere on a whim. 

That doesn' happen here and I wish I knew why. Granted, the walking isn't as convenient, but I know I'm more conscious and less impulsive. I have much more reserve here, in the place where I grew up than I have in foreign countries. I seemingly need so much more courage to do something spontaneous. I took the day off today with every intention of doing something I wouldn't get to do on a normal day and instead I wander around in stores I go to on a daily basis seeing nothing out of the ordinary. There are plenty of things here in St. Louis which I have yet to experience. I wanted a day of nonsense accompanied by a bit of inspiration. I didn't find it quite the way I wanted to, but the peace of a day off without commitments...

I've been feeling good lately. Overwhelmed with decisions to make, but good. Eating well, exercising a lot, reading, thinking, planning. The movie The Tree of Life has been playing frequently, some snippets over and over. That movie blows me away, making me realize the simplicity combined with the complexity of life.
Sometimes the world seems so small and at other times it feels huge.

 "The nuns taught us there were two ways through life - the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. Grace doesn't try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries.  Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. The nuns taught us that no one who loves the way of grace ever comes to a bad end. I will be true to you. Whatever comes." 

pics from amodernhepburn