Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Head and The Heart

Being home gives me time. And more time allows for the inpromptu rumaging through old things, old memories. I've dug some things out of the archives, opening boxes and notebooks/journals filled with the collection of experience - struggle and pleasure. Other things that are often displayed right in front of me have gotten more attention as well, seemingly jumping out to prompt me into longing for another episode...

The realization or just rememberance that I've gotten to do some absolutely incredible things in my life has been a blessing; refreshing in a lot of ways. But its also made me want more. Its made me not want to have the time to sit around. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't taken this summer to get up and go somewhere. Then the opportunity presented itself for a time a little later on, this fall, and I was one click away from a plane ticket; before I had time to think through the pros and cons and be somewhat responsible, I was committed. I was going to Ireland, maybe France, time and money be damned. I was so excited and so anxious at the same time because I want to GO but I know once I was boarding a plane, a few hundred dollars would be tacked on to that once I was trotting around in an enjoyable fashion. I mean, Ireland! France! It doesn't come cheap as I'd want it to count for something.

But then the car went on the fritz, the plane ticket went up, and Ireland got cut down to just a few days while Paris got extended a few days, and I just couldn't rationalize the spending of my savings on a less than ideal package; a trip in which I would be limited and wouldn't really get to do my heart's desires.

So I turned it down. My motto of "just go" took a back seat, or really got thrown out the window is more like it. My heart sank a little, knowing I would return to work without a single story to tell while others would be able to go on and on about the summer travels. Its no secret the last year has been a bit of a struggle for me... but there was some relief in my decision, too. And immediate planning for the coming year.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Trophy in a Postcard

I'm home. Not necessarily where I want to be. This summer, this year really, has brought me still, to remain after so much commotion in a spot I seemed wedged in...
This is the first summer in about 8 years, I believe, that I'm not packing my bags and headed off on some grand adventure. I accepted it, partly because I didn't know what else to do, and partly because I sitting might not be so bad. It might be what I need desperately. Down-time, is something I'm actually relatively good at; its accomplishing things during that down-time that I struggle with. I can watch tons of movies and sprawl myself through the internet, and read and even plan...but actually executing...
I want to be doing, but often I need a jump start. Just sitting and telling myself to get things done doesn't really do the trick; its the motivation from something else that sparks more motivation to move on. I'm sitting here browsing through other friends' and acquiantances' photos, and wanting to be there. I don't even necessarily care where there is, but its somewhere outside my ordinary where things are happening. I get jealous; it may also be a craving or simply discontent, but I can't deny a sense of envy for others' adventures and envolvement. Their summer looks thrilling, and most importantly, successful. They did something.

As much as an answer to prayer my last 3 or 4 months have been, I can't say there is anything to be proud of. And that, ultimately, is what I think I'm struggling with. The fact that its been a whole year since I've been able to hold something up for everyone to see.