Monday, March 26, 2012

Its Here


You Vs. Them Vs. Me

I've been having arguments with my father about, well, everything.  Arguements may be too defined, but "disagreements" is too kind, and that is what we haven't been.  I hear people, or mostly my mother, say "You two are so much alike"and that is apparently why we have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye. I'm not sure what we're seeing, except maybe the other one in our own way.   He goes on and on, I let out a big sigh and then he goes on some more because I'm not going on....or because my sigh is going on.  If you're confused about the whole thing imagine how I feel.

Sometimes I want to throw something across the room and have it shatter a window just to get his attention, because its not about the window.  Its not about the window, or the drawer in the fridge, or the stack of things on the table, or the stain on the carpet.  But I suppose its easier to make it about one of those things than one of the other things, right? Because if its about one of the other things, that means its about YOU, and no one wants it to be about them. Not even me.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

The World Without

When I set him back down I had a blunt feeling that only part of him was left.  He had just laid his head in my hand for nearly 20 minutes, and it was as if that was our moment. That was our goodbye.  And it still felt like getting the wind knocked out of me when someone actually said it the next day.
He was such a good boy.  Not necessarily good in the behaved way; good in grade. He was as present as any person I knew.  For 18 years he gave us, his family, his best. To have someone who never gave judgement, was never unforgiving or hard is the rarest of all rarities.  And the hurt is a rare, inexplainable hurt because you don't quite know it's place.
I'm struggling with these past few days, and I will struggle for more to come.  The tears have come in the morning, at work, in the car, at home, at the gym.  I know we had a blessed time with him, but I wanted more.  You always want more.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Down for the Count

Throwing up has to be one of the most inconvenient acts your body can take part in.
 I miss the gym and I even think it misses me.  Thanks to a week of different agents wrecking havoc on my body, I have failed to show face all but one day.  And not much face at work either.  I am now crawling out of my den, very slowly, and trying to pick back up where I left off.  Rather difficult to do when you're still not feeling 100%.  The process of emerging from out of commission takes a lot, a lot of patience mostly.  I'm still finding my rhythm and trying to get my strength back after the flu and removal of wisdom teeth. E said he'd buy me some new ones.  Teeth that is. The good news is I didn't create any embarassing scenes under the influence of the "happy juice," unlike the girl in the room next to me. She was a show all by herself.
I've mostly just spent a lot time lying around.  Now, pushing on, I'm looking forward to rest where I don't feel completely spent.
Spring break, and Christmas break, have to be the best parts of my job.  Breaks and a certain little face that looks at me like it genuinely loves me.