God Save Our Young Blood

The gamet is wide. From a first-thing-in-the-morning hug to a "Fuck you".  There are genuine moments of success, of relationships where a positive connection is made.  Sometimes, I dare say, I even think a kid respects me.  But then I can have the complete opposite thought, a completely contradicting experience, even with the the same kid where they seeming turn on me.  Most actions or words of hate are completely irrational; it comes from something festering on the insie that has nothing to do with me. Even kids who act in accordance with just getting their way - that was cultivated by someone else and has been use to growing so isn't going to die out easily. And there are many (however many) a kids who I am not going to be THAT person for or to. THAT one who can break them or reach them or connect with them and they lean on when they need to.
I, too though, have a bit of a difficult time with being rejected.  I'm a fairly easy person to please and ultimately have one rule of thumb: don't be an asshole. That's sure to lose favor, I hate to say it.  I just have very little patience for diliberate disregard for other people. Unfortunately, there's a lot of that on a day to day basis where I work. Sometimes I really don't understand why it's so hard to just be nice to people....
But I know I have those kids who I have an A+ with....we jive well and I've been able to form a good, positive relationship.  I don't know how or why all the time, and I am aware that its different from kid to kid. I wish there was a formula to it, something that worked time and time again. However, it seems that's part of the challenge and the artistry. 

It Catches Up To You

Well, that was a bust. Quite litterally. The main water line burst and extended our winter break an extra 4 days. If only I had seen it coming, maybe better plans with my time off would have been made....but it was so cold out and uncertain weather made a trip a little risky. So I spent a lot of time cleaning and organizing, shopping and errands, and quite a few movies. I was grateful for the time to just breathe. The nature of the job right now is kinda unpredictable; I can be extremely stressed or bored and both of those things can lend to restlessness and irritation. I know, things I should be able to cope with by now. My path in life, at 33 years old, should be a little more clear. It seems I'm still not really living up to the role of adult yet, but how are you ever really supposed to feel that you've given an award worthy performance or should even be nominated. But I was better at getting things done this time and felt rather good about that. 
I always find the end of the holidays a little sad and don't wish for that reality to arrive. But I did alright this time; I perservered through it and intend to do that through the whole rest of the year. 

Figure 8

Christmas was different this year. I guess its time for that to be the case again; a change that simply marks change though is a little difficult. We've changed as time has passed and we've gotten older, but without spouses or grandkids to consider or anyone coming in from out of town, I guess it seemes odd to me to make the change. Not that its bad. It was actually nice is a lot of ways....we went back to the old school Christmas morning. There are just so many elephants in the room, skeletons in the closet, wrestling matches underground....I don't know about that last one; I just know everyone is struggling. Of course there are a lot of things to be thankful for and I remind myself of that as often as I can.  There are a lot of things to worry about as well, and that seems to, inevitably, bring things to a boil. But we tried extra hard this holiday and were mostly successful.
I've always taken my time seriously, but I feel like things are more pertinent now. There's more of an urgency for some reason and a need to really evaluate things and what they mean. Its a new year, which can set people up for all kinds of expectations and even failures, and superficial things.  But there is something validating about the passing of one year and embarking on the next. I want to enjoy moments and encounters more and more, not fear things coming or passing.