Friday, October 18, 2013

Preach It Teach

Work is a workout. It has forced me to sprint down hallways, flights of stairs, climb on tables, under tables, lunge across tables, lunge between objects, dodge objects and typically, something else completely surprising, depending on the day. I'm wiped out with the routine, but also intrigued and often humbled. That is the catch with this job...
I've picked up a new student this past week. She's 45 years old and not autistic but Chinese. The route of communication often looks similar, however, until my sign language flashes an appearence. Yana doesn't understand sign language any more than she understands English, so I need a full out game of charades at times. She's ready to learn, eager and appreciative which makes my job much easier. There are really only a couple things I believe I'm good at, and teaching is one of them, even on the day I'm tired of talking and could more easily take a nap.
So the inspiration and motivation still make an appearance.  I just have to look for it harder some days. 

pictures via amodernhepburn

Thursday, October 3, 2013

divine discontent

Last week at work I had my first "I don't think I want to do this" moment which nearly always results in the swelling of the my insides and plausable tear drops. I won't say that I have forsaken the act of looking for a different job, but it had been put on the back burner. This is a fresh start, a new encounter, waters I haven't really sailed before so it's only right that I give it a fair shot. But I still rarely feel like this is what I am made out for. And at some times, I actually feel like I was made for something else. Its somewhat of a paradox to me, to know that I'm good at something which doesn't necessarily give a sense of accomplishment or more importantly, passion. There are days of absolute fullfillment, yet I can't say that I've ever had an "Ah, yes, I am suppossed to be here" moment. When a co-worker recently confided in me that she is looking for a different job, I was reminded....reminded why I had begun looking when I did. There's just so much to do. I'm young and want to explore, while sensing the pressure of time passing by. I need progress and accomplishment. Even know, I'm pursuing a graduate degree in something I don't see myself settling down with. Just for a time. Is this discontent or ambition or something I more?

I'd like to think I'm just worn down, out of energy to really put myself into it and that can happen at any place at any time. Though this worn down has lingered. And it slightly worries me.