Monday, October 31, 2016

Knees To the Floor

I want Canada. And I want Beasley. I want the cool temps and the blue skies with puffs of white and the mountains and fresh air and fresh water. I want the teachers who joke and the recess that lets me play basketball and the teachers' lounge that lets me linger...I want to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I kinda want to go home. 

My life has done a 180 in the past month. Maybe a 360 or even a 540. And I feel as though I'm still spinning around on an axis so fast I can't determine what I'm seeing or where I'm supposed to land. If I have landed, I'm rather disoriented and just not feeling so right. Whatever right is right now

I've left my job, my residence, some friends, and even some family. I haven't gone very far away but I feel rather alone wherever I am.  There's so much emotion traveling through and with me as well - frustration, hurt, resentment, fear, curiosity, defeat, exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, and things I haven't even identified yet. These are mostly negative feelings, and I loathe negativity.  The space between me and people right now is like a canyon or like a brand new sneaker I’m trying to break in. Not that I can’t say none of it is it on me - I am just a human being - but I’m more disappointed that I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t change people I don’t think; that’s really, extremely difficult to accept. Not just change but even help. I haven’t even been to my parents’ house in weeks, and haven’t seen or spoken to my brothers in months. That hurts.

And the classroom is a whole different planet now.  I’m just floating around out there, bouncing off kids like a pinball. Something I thought I was really good at doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.  I'm in a place that I'm going to need to be lifted out of.......