Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Merry Days

I love the realization that I'm a pretty chill person.  And I love the realization that other people think I'm a pretty chill person, and that they value my chillness.  Sometimes I am led to believe that I'm just plain passive, but I've learned that being mild tempered and in a state of peace can help others follow your lead.  And some certainly find it skin crawling.
But I try anyway and thankfully, it usually works.  So with a nice parting gift from 1st grade I began my eleven days of intended merriment.  
I've gotten much more than I expected, and really, I shouldn't be expecting anything.  People  have a tendency to surprise and bless me in fantastic ways. There is a little goodness left afterall.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I think I've become increasingly aware of other peoples'.....proximity.  Its as if they're not even there. When I walk through stores I nearly walk through people; not really excusing myself in the least.  I think, perhaps, it may have something to do with the nearly unbelievable lack of personal space I endured while living in Asia.  No one gave way to anyone else.  There were so many people every where that a "pardon me" became irrelavant - there was no space to give. 
So here I am doing the same, figuring everyone needs to get somewhere.  Especially now that the stores are buzzing with the holiday traffic, I just keep going maneuvering around, between, behind, over, and never think of it until someone gives me the look.  That look that says, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"  And that's just it, I wasn't thinking.  Its not like I see them and just decide to ignore them. I have no qualms about it; like I said, you go where you need to be and I'll go where I need to be.  
The other week someone was holding the door open to either go through it themself or let the person next to them through it, and I entered instead.  It was a bit embarassing after it was pointed out to me. But hey, who can blame either one of us?  Everyone has to have a moment of social inferiority.  

Sunday, November 27, 2011


'Tis the season, officially.  You know one of the things I like most about the season? 'Tis is a completely appropriate expression.  That and Peppermint Mocha coffee creamer. Sure, there are other great things too.  Namely, the ability to sleep in with no rush to get anywhere.  That's pretty great too.  It's not that I'm super busy, but my days seem to slip away from once work, the gym, and even coming home. 
But throw in some sleep, some booze, and some pie and I'm rejuvenated.  I wish I had something like this going on, but it turned out more like this.
Not too shabby at all. The only thing missing, really, was Steph. She's contributed to my pie days for the past few years, but now...now our lives are so very different. Not one over the other, just different.  And I'm okay with that; not all the time, no, but this was bound to happen.
But she typically reads the reciepe; I don't.  I must of looked at a piece of paper 4 times total and still got an amazing result. 3 amazing results actually.  With a couple glasses of wine and a huge mess to clean up I was the most relaxed I've been in quite awhile.  Maybe I should bake everyday. Cheers.  

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Dog Days

Waking up dehydrated on a Saturday can only mean your Friday night consisted of one thing. Well, it could've consisted of many things, but it definnitly consisted of a particular thing. 
First grade had a helluva day, and it only seemed fitting for the adults to end it with adult beverages.  As for the kids, well I don't know what they're expected to end it with.
But I think I've hit my breaking point. Whatever that looks like. 
The side effets are really what I'm going off of - sleep deprivation, irritability, anti-socialization. 
Too much has gone on far too long. Of course my father thought he could fix it, or that he knew what I could do to fix it, and all I really wanted was someone to listen. Being able to sit and talk to someone who is going through it with me, however painful it is, subsided the sting for bit. JB has a good ear for it. I'm pretty sure, no I'm sure, she's at her breaking point too.  I think we're just waiting, knowing one of else will spill out once we hit the next corner.

photos from thebeautifulmindofvictoria

Friday, October 28, 2011

Sick Day

I'm home.  And there is an incredibly satisfying feeling that comes with being at home when you're supposed to be at work.  Or being anywhere else when you're supposed to be at work, really. The park, Target, Dunkin' Donuts....
I've tarnished my perfect record, but whose considering that, REALLY? 
Let someone else chase and take things away from R for a day.
The other day I got a bit emotional having to get up and go to work.  So I'm pretty sure I just needed a day in which I didn't get up and go to work.  And the affect was just what I was hoping for.   

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Sometimes I can't wait to spend a Friday night by myself.  
Sometimes I have to take deep breaths before I face people.  
Sometimes I fill the coffee pot half-way with decafe so I can drink more of it and not feel so guilty.  
Sometimes I eat just the chocolate chips of a cookie. 
Sometimes I watch a scene from a movie or read a paragraph from a book over and over again.
Sometimes I want to go away for a day or two and not tell anyone where I'm going.
Sometimes I make lists of things I've already done to check them off just so I feel accomplished.
Sometimes I want to hug a stranger. 
Sometimes I want to go on a shopping spree and buy purely vain things.
Sometimes I want to have a yard sale and sell half my stuff.
Sometimes act out what I should have done.
Sometimes I miss Korea so much it hurts.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

One Cup At a Time

A soy latte didn't sound appealing when she stood in front of the counter and paid $3.50 for it.  If I was going to pay over 3 bucks for a cup of coffee, I was going to have them fit everything they could into that cup: chocolate, syrup, whip cream, sprinkles - you name it; the more the merrier, but she was paying and urged me to give it a whirl as it had become her favorite beverage after impressing her on consecutive occasions.  And now it is my drink of choice, especially after bottomless cup after bottomless cup has led the two of us into some of our most profound and therapeutic conversations and excursions.
I think I miss my friend.  She still calls, randomly, just to catch up.  And we've had distance between us before - oceans. I just can't seem to find a replacement.  I know, she's simply not replaceable...and it's not that I want her to be.  But I don't like that feeling where I can't find something that makes me feel as better as I do after talking to her.  So many evenings I just want to end up at her place and pour batter into a pan and pour my heart into her lap.  
It's a rare and inexplainable thing to be so comfortable with someone not related to you. And through so many years and through so many peaks and vallies and across so many miles.  I guess we've just shared enough that we can't help but keep on sharing.  
This week has nearly eaten me alive.  I was tempted to get in the car and drive the two hours just to sit at a table with a soy latte, but a little more planning has to happen now.  So, just to get my mind diverted, I'm planning.  Planning into the fall, which is my favorite by the way, friend and coffee included.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Beauty in the Breakdown

I taped it to his desk on a green flashcard - "great day green" - so he can see it right before he gets up to undertake another chore.  It's only two reminders, or survival tactics I would like to say, to:
1. have a calm body
2. ask
I'm thinking I need a copy taped to my own desk, maybe my door or my car visor before I ever even step foot into a place, particularly work.  E wasn't the only one with a rough week; mine sucked the energy and words right out of me. There were tears and I hate when there are tears If chasing a kid across the lawn and dodging his punches wasn't enough, my legs weren't very pleased with me either after logging some long runs.  A week total of 55 miles, and 18 of them came in a single day.  I didn't even tackle school work this week in fear that it would take the last of whatever I had.
No need to worry though, really. Really?  I tell myself that daily and just look for the little things that make the bigger things not so taxing.  A little basketball in the afternoon, a sunny day of 65 degrees, baking, a trip to Trader Joe's, a new T-shirt, a hug, an incredible song I hear for the first time, a good glass of wine...
I've realized that I'm not that hard to please.  It's pretty easy actually.

photo courtesy of sugarsnap.tumblr.com

Monday, September 12, 2011

Coin Toss

Ever feel like you switch back and forth between dropping the ball and your A-game so frequently that forget what exactly your trying to accomplish?  I feel like I have exhausted my knowledge for the most part, and nothing has really improved.  And everyone is starting to question.  That prods at me a tad; I like to be considered qualified and competent. Fortunately, I think some are realizing the expectations are just unrealistic for the setting.  
Eh, week 5 of school has not any gotten easier. In fact, it might have gotten harder. I've been trying to write this blog for a week and haven't gotten further than a couple of sentences at a time.  I'm looking for fall.  Fall never fails to breathe for me.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

SuPpLy LiSt

"Where did the time go?"  You're asking me E?  Good thing E is doing splendidly, really, because I feel he's been so neglected the past couple of weeks that I don't know how I'm going to make that time up. 
He's been so compliant though, just going with the flow for the most part.  I look at where he was last year until now and can't help but feel...proud.  
It's my new friend that has me drifting off to sleep well before my bedtime.  A whole day of him is a workout.  No more taking it easy while I encourage independence. Even my bathroom breaks are few and far between as the child can't be left alone for even a few seconds.  Give me a good month with him - hopefully it'll be a good one in the end.  
You know what really scares me?  More than any of this current day-to-dayness...being a student.  I'm back at it.  And it's so long term for my usual scope of commitment. I did feel a smidge of excitement while in Target heading to the school supplies section with all the other kids.  Since graduating college, I've felt like I'm missing out on something at this time of year.  So I picked out my folders and highlighters and took out my loan (gasp!) and embarked on another adventure.  

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Watch Your Mouth

"I notice everything.  I just don't say anything."

Is this endearing?  Or just plane annoying?  Cowardly?   I'm wrestling with my approach to this upcoming year because, Lord have mercy, its here. Underway just like that.  There are so many things to consider with this scenario that I can feel my anxiety rise when I walk in the door in the morning. And I'm going to have to say something.  More somethings than I said last year I suspect...it feels like free falling when I'm forced to piss people off.
As with all else I have to take a chance with.  Grad school is lurking.
And then I stumbled across this: 
Who knew I had such a filthy mouth? Well, someone does and at times I steal other's words because mine don't suffice. So don't judge my mouth, though I may think some of things.  Remember, its what I don't say.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Chew On This

My wisdom teeth are throbbing.  Rather inappropriate name for something that tells you nothing other than Take me out! I tend to be a master procrastinator when I don't have deadlines so even these wise ones have needed to be removed for quite some time I have failed to do so.  I woke up from a dream the other night. I was finally obliging to the surgery, but wouldn't go completely under and the doc decided to go ahead with anyway.
Only further encouraging my procrastination.  Maybe when it's nearly impossible to chew...Give me a deadline would you? I jump into action as soon as there's a date posted somewhere. Grad school, work papers, library returns.
It's the organizing of something all by myself where I start to fall behind. But, lo and behold, other things are falling...together. I'll update as soon as I have a minute or ten.    

Sunday, July 31, 2011

But You're Family

I have the need to feel part of something. I haven't had that in quite some time. Not at work, not at church, not a school, not as a part of a team, not even with family so much...
It's been nagging the past month, almost overwhelming.
The desire makes itself known when I see others doing something together-going forward after something with each other, something exciting they form a connection because of.
I took a week to travel, something I do every summer just about, and I was part of something.  This summer and last summer, how awesome is a sister-brother or father-daughter duo out exploring? But the gap just didn't fill up.  Surely because it was family, and surely because I knew what I had to go back to.  It was momentar, fleeting.  I enjoy all of it, but I want, need something sustaining.  The summer is winding down and that stirs up lots of emotions that can go as quick as they come. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Rocky Mountain High

Hello again.  My absence can only be explained by this:
Have I ever told you about the mountains and sea?  They both captivate me.  It's rare that I get either so the gift of one is enough to make my summer.  As Pop and I covered over 3,000 miles in the car I was given the chance to see some the of the true landscape of this country.  Wyoming - yes, I'll take you, you and your mountains and rivers and trees and animals and endless roads.  Something about no one around to bother me.  Except of course, the man beside me driving the beast.  But so many sweet things happened, casting a line in mountain stream or seeing wild horses on the hilltop. I'm comforted, safe, and at peace.
But it's funny how I can be so in the moment in certain places and then fall right back out, almost into the future - things that are lurking.  All things that are incomplete waiting for me when the moment is over. I only hope I can learn to better carry that peace with me.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I'm a sucker for drama. Especially when someone gets suckerpunched, especially when there's a comeback kid, and if there's an entire comeback team, forget it.  I'm planted.  I like finding something to get behind and staying there, cheering, until the run ends.  I like being awed and getting goosebumps. And I like to think they appreciate my support.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Man on Campus

I'll tell you that I love my big red, when it's working.  That car, and all cars, are generally no fun. But this guy is always fun so I'll deal with the inconvenience to see his face.  

A getaway to Columbia left my vehicle smoking but me beaming. A little peak into someone's new life...
though it never feels like we've been seperated.  He seems so grown up when I seem him now, but that little voice that calls out my name and grabs my hand to come play always makes me smile.  
Coming back home and gearing up for another long trip - and coming home again- means new perspective, fresh ideas, and reevaluation.  Decisions make me nervous.  That's ok.  As long as I'm moving. 

Friday, July 1, 2011


Here I am, only a breath into July and I'm already thinking about October.  But only a breath, it seemed, and summer school was over as well. I can take so much more from a kid than I can from an adult...so the summer proved to be a nice break, even while still going to work and taking a hit. Literally. A hit. My new friend A can throw a right hook, sometimes a left, and gives no regard as to where it lands. If that fails he resorts to the bear hug, hoping to squeeze me right into submission. It doesn't work. I "man-up" and squeeze right back, moreso giving into his need for pressure sensory than anything else. It's a battle I'm willing to be in.
And who wouldn't fall in love with a kid who thinks your ears look like windmills?

The whole ordeal, for obvious reasons, would stress a lot of people out, but I've had a great deal of fun the past 4 weeks. A part of me was feeling that I was doing what I should be doing, because people were telling me so and sounded rather convincing.  I like things to be convincing, and there is something about summer, as harsh as I find it, that's more convinging than the rest of the year.  Maybe its all the friggin' sunshine.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dream a Little....

In my dream, people I know but never really associate with were all there - at a party in a huge mansion. I was looking for a bathroom all over the place (in the dream), down every hallway and behind every door and all I kept finding were squaty- potties.  I was frantic but thought I would just have to cave.  I woke up desperatly having to pee but very relieved.  A few weeks ago I dreamed that Shannon and her boyfriend bought a huge house in Korea and invited everyone they knew to come live with them.  It seemed possible.
Korea has a way of popping up in my thoughts, and my dreams have a way of finding themselves in my real life.  My dreams need more umph.  

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I've Been Told This Already

A week down and I've only been hit once.  Well, maybe two or three times but only one occasion so we won't count each swing.
Someone else told me this past week that I would make a great teacher, and I cringed while thinking about how my list of people who believe the same just keeps getting longer and longer.
I may be meeting them halfway by going back to school this fall.  Applications are underway, and so is the anticipation and angst. If I'm going at their pushing, I'm going on my terms.  I avoided it back when for the same reason I'm avoiding it now; its more than just having my own classroom, its everything that comes along with it.  Being a student can be so...nerve-wrecking.  And just don't tell me what to do.  I know, I know.
But I'll add to my credentials and if a classroom or a teaching gig comes along with it, I'll deal the cards I'm given I suppose.  The end goal will be my Master's, whether in straight English or in ESL, both undertakings I have enjoyed.  I'm not willing to sacrifce that much.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Big Picture

Sometimes I just need to look at the big picture, and even paint one myself. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


My first day off in over two months. Now I have most the summer off and I'm complaining about a lack of vacation...but I feel like I've earned that vacation.  It's overdue.  
The last day of school, as celebratory as it needed to be, had a different heartache.  Steph took off, with husband, baby, and a truck full of household items. It's indefinite, which makes it so much more definite than Holland or Korea. Immediatly I started thinking of my summer without a place to crash.  My summer hardly working, and still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I wish I was one of those people who was rather good at waiting; I know they exist and I just can't seem to follow their footsteps. Or maybe my problem is that I wait too much.  Something is bound to just fall in my lap, right? Give me a bit and this will soon appear to be a blessing.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

"I Know That I Have Stripes, But Know I have Spots Too"

I'm twenty-seven years old. Technically, late twenties. I get paid by the hour and live with my parents.  I own shelves and shelves of books; I can't seem to get myself to stop buying them.  I've lived in a different country, been to ten different ones.  I drink coffee every morning and eat chocolate every day.  I like the way I feel after a workout.  Sometimes I like it when it rains or when it snows, but I like it when the sun is out and pierces through the trees also.  I love my cat even though he makes me itch and I love babies even though they cry.  I like driving around in my Jeep even though I hate traffic, and I like the mornings even though I don't like my alarm clock.
I watch hours of design shows because I have a not-so-secret wish to do it myself.  I have more t-shirts than I have room in my drawer so they don't all ever make it to the drawer.  I don't look people in the eyes and talk to them until I know them.  I go around in circles because I can't make up my mind.  I routinely make lists of things because of how much I enjoy crossing them off.
I'm excited for the future and terrified of the future.  I'm coming into this year with so much to be thankful for and more confidence than I remember having in some time.  I think I feel like...a grown up. Oh dear.  

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Last Leg

Two weeks and not a single approach.  I haven't so much as gotten an email with questions or demands.  It's been quiet, almost too quiet.  Meaning she's finally realized that her method is creating enemies, or she's up to something.  The calm before the storm? There's only one week of school left so maybe her scheming will be put on hold...but I've been on guard. After seemingly non-stop interruptions it's finally peaceful.
You would think that pissing 4 people off in 2 days would be enough of a message, but I'm suspecting that she's just waiting it out 'till we're not in her way anymore...
But there's so much else to be thinking about, right?  I've let so much of my greatly needed energy be used up in tolerating her while time is taking other things out of my focus.  And E needs to finish off kindergarten with ease and celebration.  Well, so do I.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Another Day, Another Dollar

My feet don't freeze as soon as I whip them out from underneath the covers anymore.  Last night I even did away with the covers.  The season has made a turn yet again, and I'm not sure how I feel about this one.  Summer is one of my most trialing; I always want to leave.
This time to Big Sky Country.  Something a little nearer to home; a little nearer to nature, but so far from my life here. I don't think my person can thrive without a decent getaway.  I'm awakened in a new place.  
Pops and I planned on the open road and maps and mountains and rivers; the speakers playing our soundtrack to handfuls of trail mix, skies full of stars, and people to get to know.  I'm struggling with the  idea of having to stick around all summer and not have the luxery of shrugging all "this" off.  You know, responsibility.  That's such a heavy word and I feel so much of it coming on, so much that I may have to just leave...
E walked into the classroom this morning, took my hand and exclaimed, "Today is a new day."  I couldn't agree more buddy, and maybe that's what I need to tell myself on a regular basis.  It's exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


I have a really hard time with people not liking me.  Unless of course I don't like them.  But if I do, I lye awake a night and think about it.  Because if someone doesn't like me I need to fix it. And since I don't always have the words, I use my actions.  Call me an ass kisser or whatever, and I won't deny it.  But then the words come easier.

But I don't think I can fix this one, and honestly I don't know if I'm interested....sounds aweful I know, but all my patience has been exhausted. Exhausted to the point of, well, she's become a person I don't like. And I've met very, very few people who I don't like.  However, I'm not someone who needs to be mean to people I don't like, just one who wants to scream,


Luckily, it's the weekend so I can go away.  

Friday, April 29, 2011

The World Without

I'm falling behind with this whole blog thing. I've been so caught up in this little life of mine that I forget to tell people about it sometimes. But hey! maybe this little life of mine isn't so little afterall. 
Let me tell you about it.  Upon entering the neighborhood cafe (yes, I'm calling Bread Co. "neighborhood" for theatrics), I spot someone who I haven't seen in a couple of years.  A kid someone, nonetheless, who isn't so much a kid anymore as he is turning into a young man. When I dealt with him at work, he was a sore that I knew could be soothed, but never really knew if that would be accomplished since I left for the other side of the world.  The shock is that he remembered me. Walked right up and said hi. Then proceeded to ask how I was and what as I was doing as if he cared. 
At school I got a journal entry from a kindergarden - an "ode to Ms. Cassi" I would call it.  The gesture was enough to get me thinking that it is possible for my mundane or troubling days to actually mean something to someone, or ones. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Humidifier in the Room

I'm thinking of a place of my own and on the verge of looking for one too.  Things are tight, but that includes money so we'll have to see how far I can get.  
When I get home I either want to vent and then retreat, or just retreat.  Either way I always want to retreat and when I don't my whole being seems to swell with worry.  
I can decompress in the company of others, but sometimes that anxiety finds places to store and hide so it doesn't have to come out in front of people.  
And then I resort to solitude anyway because I can breathe things out in steady or exasperated puffs.  It just finds it's own way to escape.

photos from littleteacups and tumblr

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

All Rung Out

My head says, “Who 
cares?” but then my 
heart whispers, “You 
do stupid.”

I'm emotionally exhausted. 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Reminider

Sometimes I feel as if I've lived two different lives. That sounds suspicious and duplicitous. But there are some instances when an experience feels so seperate from everything else that has ran its course through my life. Some of them are periods, such as college or high school, or a time of employment, that deffinitly have their own pulse.  But then there's Korea.
Korea seems almost completely seperate.  Not really distant, like a lifetime ago, but that the things from "over there" don't really coincide with anything "over here."  Its almost as though I was a different person,with different needs and wants and priorities and responsibilities and people. Everything was poles apart from what I had known.  
Often I want to pick up and do the same - leave everything and everyone behind -
to see what other life I could live for awhile. 
Then I get the courage to do something I never would have done without Korea.  Which is cheesy and emotional but true. So that life does seep into this one, in odd and valuable ways.  I'm remembering a time I felt so empty and so full at the same time. I remember it a lot. 

photo 1 - lylong from trekearth photo 2 - Irina Druchina photo 3 - pinterest, 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

It's Not Just You

This photo broke my heart. So did last week.  Thursday to be exact. Suddenly I remembered what it was like to be in school and realize everyone is starting at you.  I have that feeling even now, but when you're about 6 years old and looking for an adult to stand up because you don't know what to do; because you're six.  But you know how you feel.  
It bothered me all night.  Bothers me still honestly.  Especially since I felt like I could have done such a better job protecting him.  E needed words and didn't have them. And even when I tried to provide them what he really needed was someone to tell him to breathe, it was going to be alright.
Because words don't just fail the young or the autistic....and I hate it when that happens.  
E is out sick and all of kindergarden is wondering where I am this week. Yeah. 

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The 11th Commandment

Well, that immediately got my hackles up. You should have know that, "I've been waiting for you," was getting off to a very bad start.  Especially since she told you not to.
My blood has a pretty high boiling point, but boil it does. Just because I'm mellow and nice and fun and smell good doesn't mean I'm a hunk of playdough.  
The B at work (we can say that's a B for boss or B for bitch, doesn't matter) is up in arms over my little Enzo, pulling out weapons of mass destruction.  My ears tingled - that's always where I feel it first - at accusations to avoid responsibility.  She failed to inform other people of her decisions and ruffled some feathers, so I am expected to be the road kill.  Not going to happen.  Not in a conversation and not in an email.  
Now the two of us are still, waiting for the other to make a move.  It will probably be me, and it will be accompanied by a "HIYAH!"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I would Never.

The thought has crossed my mind but I'm not sure if I could handle it.  The long, sharp needle part has me a bit trepidatious.  But they fascinate and intrigue me, and these maybe I could handle...

And I'm not necessarily a fan of the sleeve, but this girl just exudes cool. 

photo from charmschooldropout.com and rodeo.net and tattoologist.com.