Thursday, January 31, 2013


I've been the star of blacktop recess. Its like freshman year of hight school all over again. I have a whole group of fans, a cheering section telling me to pop it from behind the 3-point line.  The basket is low and the ball is small so I'm not making that many of them, but when I do they go wild. It's enough for a 5 year old I guess. And even at 28, it feels good.

E is still my favorite. He's leaving me slowly and I'm trying to prepare myself but I know I'll have a good cry.  I don't feel like he's ready which is part of it; the other is just how much joy he brings me. I don't want that to go away....I'm so proud of him though. Yesterday he told me how smart he is and wanted to prove it to me on a math problem. "Ms. Cassi, watch," and he proceeded to illustrate his calculation. He was still wrong but his confidence was enough to make me smile. I remember him just 2 years ago...and I gain some confidence also.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Give It Up

Once again I attempted to give up coffee, or at least go on a healthy streak without it. I lasted 3 days and all it accomplished was fumbling around for an extra 10 minutes in the morning looking for things. I nearly washed my face with toothpaste the other day. Then a brand new coffee press arrived and I had to give it a whirl. 
It's Sunday. I'm sitting in bed with my fresh cup while it sleets outside and Under the Tuscan Sun plays on TV.  This film makes my heart race, mostly the first 30-40 minutes when she decides to "screw it" and just go live somewhere away from everything she knows.  Yes, I've done that .... and I have the urge to do it again. I'm getting jealous for that kind of courage. To undertake something possibly bigger than yourself and have to see it through. There are so many things bigger than me that I have a difficult time committing to just one. I'm sure there's still fear there; fear that I won't be able to make it. Fear of failure. But the fear of staying put has often led me through that. So even though there are so many things I want right now, I am also realizing some of the things I need to give up. Giving some things up, or letting them go, often removes barriers and allows movement. And there can be a lot of beauty in that struggle. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

Some Dr. Suess

So, adding up all the things I CAN do. That's a better way to start a week.

I can bake. Maybe not everything but fudge brownies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, zucchini bread. I can write. Writing typically comes easy for me. I can draw a bit.  I can dribble the basketball between my legs, whip it behind my back and charge the basket or pull up for the 3 - and make it. I can plan a heck of a trip. I'm also a good organizer when put on the spot. I can talk a child out of a tantrum and into almost anything. Give a great gift, one that no one else would think of. Be on time, bite my tongue, move on...those I can do. I can game on in Scrabble. It gets pretty competative. I got some good jokes, especially when you set yourself up. I'm good at laughing. For sure.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Can't, Cannot

I'm adding up all the things I cannot do. Like cook. I'm not a picky eater and I still don't think I'm any good with a stove and a pan. Even my baking is typically a hit or miss, more often a miss. I can't ski; though I've been only once thevery thought of it kind of makes my knees wobble.  I don't have the coordination. Which does away with dancing. Athleticism does not lead to dancing feet. Pool - cue balls and pockets work against me. I'm as tone deaf as they come, not able to replicate a single line of a song on key. Truely. It's bad. One of my cats would run and hide under the bed while the other would run at me - straight to my face if he could, as if to say "make it stop or I will!" I can't play an instrament. I can't paint. I can't juggle. No card tricks or magic tricks of any kind. The list goes on and on. And things I may not even know.

Friday, January 4, 2013

White Winter Hymnal

The snow did finally come. Not enough of it if you ask me, but the day AFTER Christmas was white. The week went by in a blink and I had that desire to crame as much in as I can before the bliss is over. That, of course, is not practical. It only leaves me feeling urgent and overwhelmed rather than accomplished. There is also a subtle joy in lying around doing nothing; that's what the doctor ordered anyway. No, still not running and its driving me mad. There's madness all around with the hustle and bustle, people certainly feeling as though they need to reach things which are beyond their grasp. A new year doesn't always bring a sense of a fresh start or new beginnings. It can also lend to the feeling of failure or of repeat - "Here we go again". The same song.
But there are always things to change. If you stop trying to be better, you shut off the opportunity to improve and growth. I often hear of letting things be or acknowledging the shade of your grass and be thankful that you have grass at all.....something like that. I've learned to keep reaching even if I have to come down for a bit or I don't always get as high as I want to. There's a view or something sweet at every branch.