Friday, January 23, 2015

Come Out of the Shade

There are so many little moments throughout the day at work, little moments of insanity and delight, moments that inspire and discourage....its difficult to even relate many of them to people or even down on paper. Mostly, as of late, they have been moments of frustration and discouragement. Its unfortunate; its come down to encounters with co-workers and administration - petty, trivial, insignificant things that overshadow the incidents which are supposed to take your focus. Incidents which tug at me whether I'm at work or not. I can take the student gettying angry at me and giving me a good thump (yes, I get smacked almost daily at work), I can handle having to take off down the hall after a kid who get mad or who simply thinks its hilarious to have someone chase him, I don't even mind having to haul a kid off the floor, or block a book or lunch tray being thrown at me...
They're kids and they have so much going on inside of them that none of us will really understand. But I lose it when an adult fails to address an issue in a professional manner, or when they ignore a problem that's occuring on a daily basis, or they expect a kid to behave perfectly, or they hound someone regarding paperwork, or simply not communicating anything efficiently. I lose track of the grand things: 
the hug and "I miss you " from a student who has been out sick; the student who finally asked for permission for something when words are such a struggle; the student who finally did something all by themselves or the student who goes to the bathroom on the toilet for the first time. These are victories, celebrations and I barely have the energy for them anymore. Its not that I don't care about them; its great that they happen but I think I'm almost indifferent. And its because I can't get out of the funk the rest of the day puts me in. Everything else swarming around me clouds a lot of the good. That's unhealthy, uninspiring, unmotivating. I've had a really hard time with it all as of late, even shedding a few tears. And I thought today, "Some of this is me. I'm choosing to be downtrodden and resentful and bitter when I walk through these doors. Let's try to change that. Even though I know its time to leave, its time to get away, I'm here for now."

"Change your energy, change your life."

Friday, January 2, 2015

I've Forgotten How To.....

The new year has come and gone, but mostly it just feels like it has just gone. It was surround by sadness and anxiety and fear because something else had gone too. My car was taken in the middle of the night, from right outside my apartment. Though it could have been so much worse, as nothing harmful was done to me personally, it still felt like I had been invaded, attacked. Like the act was done TO me and not just some random car that could have been anyone else's too. And maybe I was a target....and so I've been paranoid pretty much every night since. The first night, it was every little noise and a couple of nightmares that had me waking up. Now I just find myself wanting to be in before too late, even before dark which really is unreasonable and rather depressing as well. But I have this
pending, unsettled mood hovering over me or around me. An aura of unease. 

I even got the call just a few days later; today. But spending the majority of my week on holiday break actually dealing with and worrying about this...has been draining. I'm spent and in absolutely no mood to return to work in 2 days. I feel like I need an additional week to actually enjoy and get things done....

Mom and Dad have been truly life saving. Dad especially, remained shockingly calm and has navigated me through most of the "What the hell do I do?" moments. I've kept going over everything and asking myself what I would've done, who I would have called, who would've helped. He and I really almost reversed roles, with me freaking out and nearly hyperventilating and him telling me to breath, it will be alright. Well, I don't know if its alright YET, but I have a bit of hope.