Best Of

2016

Books:

1. The Kitchen Boy: A Novel of the Last Tsar 

2. The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary 

3. An Anthropologist on Mars: Seven Paradoxical Tales 

4. Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee 

5. Sarah's Key 

6. The Mole People: Life in the Tunnels Beneath New York City 

7. The Snow Child 

8. A Short History of Nearly Everything

9. Fifth Avenue, 5AM: Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's 

10. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH

Movies:

1. La La Land

2. Room

3. The Light Between Oceans

4. Spotlight

5. The Intern
6. Finding Dory
7. Brooklyn
8. The Revenant

9. Bridge of Spies

10. Jane Got a Gun

Songs:

1. Free by Broods

2. Keeping Your Head Up by Birdy

3. All Together by The Temper Trap

4. Didn't Know You At All by Karmin
5. Hurrican by Javier Dunn

6. Sister by Haux

7. Overcome by Laura Mvula

8. Kerosene Dreams by The X Ambassadors 

9. Still Falling for You by Ellie Goulding

10. Wish That You Were Here by Florence and The Machine

A tough list. This year produced some quality pieces of art, and I had a hard time choosing the best. Other years have been a struggle though so I am more than happy with having to really think about it. I love literature, movies, and music....I feel good just writing this. 

Put All Five Fingers On

To say that I haven't done much this break is an understatement. I have realized (again) just how unsocial I really am. Other than a couple meetings with the family and a dinner with a friend, I've really interacted with few other people in 2 weeks.
I've just succomb to long workouts, books, TV/movies, pictures, organizing, and severe introverting.
Though I've been bored here and there, there has been little motivation to socialize or go do things with other people. And I'm wondering why or if something more is going on or is wrong. I was really looking forward to a friend coming in town, one that I don't get to see that often which is why I was most likely looking forward to it, but that didn't happen. So I've been relatively happy in my cozy little apartment, doing cozy little things and feeling right at home....until I realized that I have 4 days of this party left. I never really want to go back to work after a break of any kind, but I really DON'T want to go back this time. There isn't anyone I'm looking forward to seeing, nothing I'm looking forward to doing. If I said I was happy in this new job, I'd be lying.  It's not that I'm unhappy; I'm simply unsure of my place, if its my fit. I'm not even sure if its feeling whether I'm good at it or not, its feeling if I am meant to take it. So much more goes on and so much more needs to be taken into consideration and unless you're there in it, I don't think I can relay it properly.
Often, as I've spent the past 10 years  teaching and working with kids, I wonder if I could do something else. And do it well. I wonder if I would be motivated more, again, to do well and feel driven and productive. 

Until the Rubber Leaves the Road

I wish I could just make things change by the simple desire to have them do so. Some things are worth the process or the journey, and other things seem like you're just adding to a pile of waste. Meaning, I don't see how I am learning or gaining through this experience really. I want it to be over, and I don't know if it can reach that point unless I just drop it or give in.  I've cried more in the past 2 months than I have in years combined, and I've felt more alone than I have since I moved to the other side of the world all by myself. My paralization is quite honestly a result of being at a loss as to what to do. I have no answer that I can accomplish by myself, and my time and energy is running on empty. Even my grace, I discovered, has been spent. And explaining myself every which way.

But you can't fix something that essentially has nothing to do with you, even if it involves you so frequently. As you hear all the time and as a student said to me this week, "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." It just feels like being stuck in this limbo where there's really no where to go because no matter what, you're going to pegged for what happens. Constant friction where marks are always left. To say it will mend itself isn't true either but right now neither one of us are setting out to do it. Maybe time and space are good things, but it also doesn't feel like anything is being resolved or even healed. Wherever this road is leading ......or where it has already led....has me feeling very sad. Weeks and weeks of sadness, conflicted with knowing that I can't just accept what was. So here we are (moreso it seems like here I am)with the holidays and me not seeing my family hardly at all. Again, I'm reaping consequences of his actions. So with the sadness inevitably comes anger, too. And both of these feelings really suck.

Right Behind You

I went out last night with a few members of my old crew, and then today I stopped by the school today to say "Hey!" to those I missed. I didn't tell them I was going to do that last part, but both encounters were satisfying. It was a tad sad, too. I miss them and their companionship. I feel like I'm by myself a lot, and I am...I'm in the classroom alone and a lot of time passes without me talking to co-workers. That will come as time goes by, before and after school - I think - I hope. Right now I am very grateful for what I had and those ties, but I'm also still just trying to find my stride. 

Record HIGH, Record LOW

Life isn’t long enough to do all you could accomplish. And what a privilege even to be alive. In spite of all the pollutions and horrors, how beautiful this world is. Supposing you only saw the stars once every year. Think what you would think. The wonder of it!

Its officially November, and 80+ degrees outside. That gets to me. And yesterday got to me, to the point of me having to fight back tears. I was thinking, "its only Monday and we're on a downhill run....." Then today was fine. Good even. A complete turn around and feeling like I could actually do this. Yesterday, wasn't feeling like I could do it. Middle school is a beast that I may just have to accept that I can't tame. They're raging egos and hormones moving around on two little stilts.
I've gone to the gym a lot the past week and worked-out some of my frustration with a whole lot of aggression and sweat. The scale hasn't proven much labor, but someone made sure to tell me that I looked good, so that should be enough. For now. I'm always on myself for things - things I could do better or differently. Its everyday and that is what exhausts me most often the time. I need to concentrate on little things, little things that c make my day worthwhile.

Knees To the Floor

I want Canada. And I want Beasley. I want the cool temps and the blue skies with puffs of white and the mountains and fresh air and fresh water. I want the teachers who joke and the recess that lets me play basketball and the teachers' lounge that lets me linger...I want to feel like I know what I'm doing. And I kinda want to go home. 

My life has done a 180 in the past month. Maybe a 360 or even a 540. And I feel as though I'm still spinning around on an axis so fast I can't determine what I'm seeing or where I'm supposed to land. If I have landed, I'm rather disoriented and just not feeling so right. Whatever right is right now. 

I've left my job, my residence, some friends, and even some family. I haven't gone very far away but I feel rather alone wherever I am.  There's so much emotion traveling through and with me as well - frustration, hurt, resentment, fear, curiosity, defeat, exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, and things I haven't even identified yet. These are mostly negative feelings, and I loathe negativity.  The space between me and people right now is like a canyon or like a brand new sneaker I’m trying to break in. Not that I can’t say none of it is it on me - I am just a human being - but I’m more disappointed that I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t change people I don’t think; that’s really, extremely difficult to accept. Not just change but even help. I haven’t even been to my parents’ house in weeks, and haven’t seen or spoken to my brothers in months. That hurts.

And the classroom is a whole different planet now.  I’m just floating around out there, bouncing off kids like a pinball. Something I thought I was really good at doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.  I'm in a place that I'm going to need to be lifted out of.......

Prayer For the Restless

Oh me oh my. This post was about loaded and locked, and then lost. That's been happening often. So now I'm struggling to come up with the rights words again, the manner in which to express what is churning on the inside. I feel defeated, and I'm not even sure what the competition was. There hasn't been a failure, but it does seem as though there has been a set back. I have the desire to move forward; even if I don't know where exactly I want to end up, I just feel it needs to be somewhere other than where I am or where I've been.
While I was in Canada (or anytime I'm away, really) I experience this rejuvenation and, thus, wish to start anew. I think the two go hand-in-hand....even while I'm wanting my routine and comforts of home, I don't really want home anymore. I want a new challenge and a new set of lessons to learn.
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough and there are things right here, right under my nose, which I need to venture in finding. It takes looking, yes, but also the motivation to look as well as the willpower, but mostly the belief. I need to believe that I can find it and not just sit around waiting for it to come to me. I've been waiting far too long.

Elsewhere

If it weren't for the stiffling heat, you would actually believe that summer was winding down. Every thing else seems to point in that direction - darkness falling a little earlier, the aisles lined with school supplies, the sporadic appearance of pumpkin favor in grocery stores...its coming, slowly but surely. I even escaped some of the hottest days here, galloping around Canada, but I'm more than ready to get these last few weeks of them over with.

Never Gonna Change?

I'm home, and I already wish I was away again.  I can't help but admit to how hard it is for me to return; even when I'm worn-out from travel and am looking for some sort of routine to resume, coming home is arduous and disheartening. There's so much more to deal with which is ironic when you think about it because I just came from tackling flight lines and times, and budgets, and relationships, and accomodations, and all the other things that come along with travel. But the knowledge that its all temporary, that I have to seize the moment, always follows me as well.  I know its going to be over; that's why I don't really understand why I get sad and bothered. This place creates so much drama, and I can't help but feel anxious and burdened by the fact that I have to deal with it because, quite frankly, I don't know how to. I want to NOT deal with it and that seems to be a problem, too. Not only does not dealing with family lead to ignoring them and, thus, causing more tension but I'm simply not very good at ignoring these kinds of things. To be away always seems easiest and just hope that it would fix itself....
The next few weeks, possibly months, may be difficult to adjust to and find how I need to move along with or forward in the scheme of things. There will be emotions and tears and probably words that carry a lot of weight. And I can't just run away.

Where Do I Lose It?

A whole entry.....lost. I'm still not sure how that happens when you save it, other than it didn't really save or it did but is floating around somewhere out in the cyber world.  But I would have a new entry needing to be constructed after the past couple of days anyway. I'm T-4 days from my trip departure, and even though its not what I had originally intended for this summer, I am rather electrified by the prospect of this whole adventure. And even though things have been heavy and swift this week, I am still rather electrified. It really couldn't have come at a more perfect time, I don't think. I mean, obviously, I don't always plan accordingly or timely, but it seems that I need it. NOW.
My patience does get tested with these kinda things. Accidents, hospitals, a stubborn father, a bumptious brother, mom, friends, a lot of details....that sounds like just about everything but it all seems to conglomerate under a particular circumstance or two. There are so many things I don't get freaked out about, and then some of the littlest things. Just like a trip that takes a complete turn in the opposite direction (literally), so does trauma and injury require a little bit of faith. 

Banking On a Myth

Well, hello. There has been quite a length of time between now and last time I've written. Written here at least. Some technical difficulties forced me to invest my words elsewhere, but the difficulties have somehow been resolved.  I can't say that in regards to all difficulties, only the one I've been experiencing with getting a post up.....
The past 6 months have been anything but smooth or without difficulty. To recount all that has occurred - from destructive students, to disagreements with co-workers, to planned trips and cancelled trips, to car issues, from how to make money this summer, to what to spend money on this summer - would be tedious and exhausting. Things are happening though, whether they are the things I was necessarily expecting or not at least I'm not sitting around all summer feeling sorry for myself. Things at school cleaned up relatively nicely, and I don't have fear or hostility awaiting for me when I return.
Its often hard to look at things and believe that they'll work themselves out. When you can't really see much further than what's right in front of you, how do you know what's going to be for you down the road?

It's having faith, believing that somehow this frustrating burden will alleviate and leave you the better. Or at least not abandon you with nothing. Its hard not to think that it will; to tell the lies that that's just what they are: lies.   

I'm excited about the rest of the summer and what it has to hold.