I wish I could just make things change by the simple desire to have them do so. Some things are worth the process or the journey, and other things seem like you're just adding to a pile of waste. Meaning, I don't see how I am learning or gaining through this experience really. I want it to be over, and I don't know if it can reach that point unless I just drop it or give in. I've cried more in the past 2 months than I have in years combined, and I've felt more alone than I have since I moved to the other side of the world all by myself. My paralization is quite honestly a result of being at a loss as to what to do. I have no answer that I can accomplish by myself, and my time and energy is running on empty. Even my grace, I discovered, has been spent. And explaining myself every which way.
But you can't fix something that essentially has nothing to do with you, even if it involves you so frequently. As you hear all the time and as a student said to me this week, "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." It just feels like being stuck in this limbo where there's really no where to go because no matter what, you're going to pegged for what happens. Constant friction where marks are always left. To say it will mend itself isn't true either but right now neither one of us are setting out to do it. Maybe time and space are good things, but it also doesn't feel like anything is being resolved or even healed. Wherever this road is leading ......or where it has already led....has me feeling very sad. Weeks and weeks of sadness, conflicted with knowing that I can't just accept what was. So here we are (moreso it seems like here I am)with the holidays and me not seeing my family hardly at all. Again, I'm reaping consequences of his actions. So with the sadness inevitably comes anger, too. And both of these feelings really suck.
But you can't fix something that essentially has nothing to do with you, even if it involves you so frequently. As you hear all the time and as a student said to me this week, "You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." It just feels like being stuck in this limbo where there's really no where to go because no matter what, you're going to pegged for what happens. Constant friction where marks are always left. To say it will mend itself isn't true either but right now neither one of us are setting out to do it. Maybe time and space are good things, but it also doesn't feel like anything is being resolved or even healed. Wherever this road is leading ......or where it has already led....has me feeling very sad. Weeks and weeks of sadness, conflicted with knowing that I can't just accept what was. So here we are (moreso it seems like here I am)with the holidays and me not seeing my family hardly at all. Again, I'm reaping consequences of his actions. So with the sadness inevitably comes anger, too. And both of these feelings really suck.
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