The World Without

When I set him back down I had a blunt feeling that only part of him was left.  He had just laid his head in my hand for nearly 20 minutes, and it was as if that was our moment. That was our goodbye.  And it still felt like getting the wind knocked out of me when someone actually said it the next day.
He was such a good boy.  Not necessarily good in the behaved way; good in grade. He was as present as any person I knew.  For 18 years he gave us, his family, his best. To have someone who never gave judgement, was never unforgiving or hard is the rarest of all rarities.  And the hurt is a rare, inexplainable hurt because you don't quite know it's place.
I'm struggling with these past few days, and I will struggle for more to come.  The tears have come in the morning, at work, in the car, at home, at the gym.  I know we had a blessed time with him, but I wanted more.  You always want more.