Rollercoaster

That's what it is when you start something new, right? Maybe not a new start, but a new year. Or at least a new school year. That counts for something, and I'm banking heavily on this being a new ride - however long it lasts. 



photo from modern hepburn

Rubble

It's taking me forever to force myself to write this. I've been avoiding it for the past week, and frankly kind of wish to continue doing so. Its coming out in bits and pieces; slices really. I filled an entire notebook in the month that I was there, but to come out with any of it to others has been somewhat painful.  Maybe it feels most like a pang or an ache, and it should because it reminds me of what is there.  The more I've been opening up the more the ache intensifies, yet it feels likes its getting some salve. Its a strange occurence. Heartbreaking and heart-soaring at the same time. And there are some things I still want to keep for myself and some things that will always hurt, but I also want to tell almost everyone. When I started talking about it the other day, someone said to me that my whole face lit up. That's a good thing to hear; for the first week I just didn't know what to do with myself and I'm still in that state a little bit.  I felt like there was more for me there than here.

My first day in Africa I heard, "You'll be back. This place gets in your blood." and is exactly how it feels. Like it just surged in and has been pulsating ever since.

I do know that I'll be back. I just don't see how I couldn't.  I'm searching for a way and a when, but something will bring me back. 

Up Up Up

Oh, summer! How I love and loathe thee simultaneously. For your endless days, and time to travel, and cold drinks, and....heat.  Why can't there be a summer where it never breaks 70 degrees or so? At this point I should be thankful in which way it comes I suppose. I'm cleaning up and freshing up and catching up; all those things you need time for and summer brings time.
And Africa is just around the corner. 

Lightbulbs

E often thinks of things I wish I would have thought of.  His mind is a little wheel, and so much seems to be going on in there I wonder what we would discover if he could actually get it all out. But last week he exteneded a peace treaty that squeezed my heart into slush.  In a perfectly folded piece of paper he explained to R the sadness experienced when he doesn't follow directions. Nonetheless, E reckoned, they could still be best friends.
How much more appropriate is that then a shout of, "Dude, just get your shit together!"? 

Its genius really. I've been wondering ever since if that is what I should have done all along...it seems too simple. Or maybe just too humble.  The thing about humility, is that you often must aknowledge someone else's position and swallow a spoonful of pride. I'd rather swallow their pride. Unfortunately, R saw little opportunity in E's proposal and so we moved on.  That's the other risk - putting yourself on the line and being rejected or passed right by.
But the year has finally finished after a painfully slow passing. JB and I went out with a bang too, rather than taking one. Not that it made the whole year worth it but it was most the fun I've had in weeks.  I took a lot out of this year; I left a lot behind to because that's where it needed to stay. It will be there still if I get back. IF?

HERE

Holy rusted nails, Batman! Where have I been lately? What have I been doing? Especially, now that school is out I should have all the time in the world.  Which leaves me all the time in the world to do nothing. Maybe my nothing is someone's something, or maybe so much of my something has felt like nothing lately that now my nothing has become something. Makes sense, right?
Entertaining a random drunk in a parking lot and eating tacos at 10p.m. to counter a six hour long happy hour sounds like nothing. As does watching hours of reality TV, or getting buzzed with the little brother...it does feel like I've been here before.  Right now summer gives time, and I appreciate that. Without it, the summer heat would seem to be a waste. So I will savor what it gives me and move on with the wave.

Monday is Coming

sip

Part of my morning is a cup of coffee.  Decafe or not, hot or cold, the day has officially started when I have a cup in hand.