You Vs. Them Vs. Me

I've been having arguments with my father about, well, everything.  Arguements may be too defined, but "disagreements" is too kind, and that is what we haven't been.  I hear people, or mostly my mother, say "You two are so much alike"and that is apparently why we have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye. I'm not sure what we're seeing, except maybe the other one in our own way.   He goes on and on, I let out a big sigh and then he goes on some more because I'm not going on....or because my sigh is going on.  If you're confused about the whole thing imagine how I feel.

Sometimes I want to throw something across the room and have it shatter a window just to get his attention, because its not about the window.  Its not about the window, or the drawer in the fridge, or the stack of things on the table, or the stain on the carpet.  But I suppose its easier to make it about one of those things than one of the other things, right? Because if its about one of the other things, that means its about YOU, and no one wants it to be about them. Not even me.

The World Without

When I set him back down I had a blunt feeling that only part of him was left.  He had just laid his head in my hand for nearly 20 minutes, and it was as if that was our moment. That was our goodbye.  And it still felt like getting the wind knocked out of me when someone actually said it the next day.
He was such a good boy.  Not necessarily good in the behaved way; good in grade. He was as present as any person I knew.  For 18 years he gave us, his family, his best. To have someone who never gave judgement, was never unforgiving or hard is the rarest of all rarities.  And the hurt is a rare, inexplainable hurt because you don't quite know it's place.
I'm struggling with these past few days, and I will struggle for more to come.  The tears have come in the morning, at work, in the car, at home, at the gym.  I know we had a blessed time with him, but I wanted more.  You always want more.

Down for the Count

Throwing up has to be one of the most inconvenient acts your body can take part in.
 I miss the gym and I even think it misses me.  Thanks to a week of different agents wrecking havoc on my body, I have failed to show face all but one day.  And not much face at work either.  I am now crawling out of my den, very slowly, and trying to pick back up where I left off.  Rather difficult to do when you're still not feeling 100%.  The process of emerging from out of commission takes a lot, a lot of patience mostly.  I'm still finding my rhythm and trying to get my strength back after the flu and removal of wisdom teeth. E said he'd buy me some new ones.  Teeth that is. The good news is I didn't create any embarassing scenes under the influence of the "happy juice," unlike the girl in the room next to me. She was a show all by herself.
I've mostly just spent a lot time lying around.  Now, pushing on, I'm looking forward to rest where I don't feel completely spent.
Spring break, and Christmas break, have to be the best parts of my job.  Breaks and a certain little face that looks at me like it genuinely loves me.

Heart

"I'm creeping inside your heart and rearranging it so the TV is not the center of the room. "

Please do. Do a little dusting while you're at it; straighten up the clutter.  




photo from awelltraveledwoman.

Sail Through

Man of my dreams....either one.  It's Tuesday, which means Monday is over.

photos from awelltraveledwoman.

Incredibly and Extremely

I did what Mom and Dad told me I should never do: got in the car with a stranger.  Being about 20 pounds lighter, 4 inches taller, and 15 years younger, I was somewhat confident that I'd be able to escape if need be. And it was a her. A her makes a difference, sorry to all the hers.  Helping someone out made my crappy day suddenly not so crappy.  The poor thing just needed some directions and I was "lucky" enough to be flagged down.  Then the guy at the credit union let me cut to the very front of the line. Karma, baby. It doesn't always find its way back but its obvious when it does.
I also went to the movies. By myself.  I almost think thats the best way to go to the movies.  Who wants someone whispering in your ears at every scene they have an opinion about? Not me because I only go the movies for an experience, one that has me thinking for days.
And this one broke my heart. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close...what a gutting film.
Then a kickboxing class broke my body.  My muscles are still screaming three days later.   It was a whim and the stress came out in a healthy way. Really smashing someone's face in might not have been the best alternative, especially since some of them are letting me cut lines. 

Paperweight

My heart hurts. I've felt it for the past two weeks or so.  Something has been placed there I can't seem to shake off very well.  This happens every so often, but this is the longest it has lasted in awhile.  Things typically come and go and sometimes they just pile up so I guess its more troublesome to get the load to budge. Sometimes I think the things aren't actually that heavy, I'm just hold them down pretty hard. 

People have become hard for me to connect with; not for lack of trying which is the most frustrating part.  

Many conversations and emails have take place over this past week, bringing some things to settle down a bit.  Between work and home I've become rather displaced.  There has been much to deal with over the past 6 months and my words can fail me when I would just prefer to walk away.  I don't really know where I'd walk to....

I'm reminded of something I realized abroad, and that's the fact that most people wanted to feel appreciated and that's it. I don't do a very good job of telling people I appreciate them.  I had (yes, had) to share some very personel things with J the other day just so he would know what goes on inside a lot of the time.  I knew my blood was going to surge to somewhere, that feeling that it pools somewhere, waiting.  I've had the other feeling this week too - when the blood is going to burst out of your toes and fingertips.  It makes me wonder what I still have inside...